Random Tales

[$heriff Tom]

You can dump in some of your day to day anecdotes in here, as Useless Facts and such is getting pretty crowded.

So check this out, we were out doing some shopping for fun stuff this weekend, and while we were in Wal-Mart Dana spotted a tin cd "box set" proclaiming "80s Classics!" or something such. On the back it had a listing of a heap of 80s pop, like "Girls on Film" and "Take on Me" and all these Huey Lewis and Eddie Money sorts of things. It was only a ten spot, so she bought it, cause most of the songs did not appear on her extensive Rhino Records 6-cd box.

Well, joke was on us...on one corner of the box, in dinky letters it says, "performed by the Countdown Singers." Yes, these were all cover versions of songs like Karma Chameleon. How zany is that. I found it odd while I was looking at this in the car that the artists were not listed next to the songs on the packaging, but we were too busy singing snippets from all the songs to really care.

We're not really chagrined over this, although Dana cancelled plans to move a few of these tunes into her MP3 player. But this should be a hit at parties. I mean, all 80s covers, by a bunch of no-names, without even instrument credit? Sign us up!

[Chris]

My good friend who lives Austin, TX has a son. At the time of the story, the boy was about 9 years old.

It was a lazy Saturday afternoon and my friend, always anxious to get some utility out of his nice media room, pulled his copy of The Hunt For Red October off the shelf. He asked his son to come watch the movie with him. The son declined, and when asked why the NINE YEAR OLD BOY replied, "Nah, I don't like submarine movies."

A few questions are raised here: How does a 9 year old know that he isn't a fan of the submarine file genre? Did he have a bad experience, in his previous years, with Das Boot? And finally, could we win him back over with Down Periscope?

[cactusjames]

Last night having a few beers with my useless friends they invented a drinking game with a quater, you flip guess heads or tails then depending on the results people drink. After having to chug a heineken I said I asn't in the mood to chug, just sit and chill. I got called a child based on the sheer fact I didn't want to play the stupidest drinking game ever by chugging beers. I never knew sitting down kicking back some brews was more immature than flipping a coin to decide who drinks. Now it's time to go change my huggies.

[Chris]

I've never played a single drinking game. Fact is, I'd never needed the encouragement to drink - I was born with a passion for the sport that you just can't teach!

[$heriff Tom]

3-Man was the bane of my existence for a long time....in fact an oft-used nickname of mine, T-Man, originally came about for my proclivity for that irascible drinking game.

[cactusjames]

I like beer pong when theres a lot of people around, and I'll play any excuse I get, but it isn't a must. Other than that I've always found drinking games boring? Whatever happened to being just a regular alcoholic? Now you need to play and invent malarky gams? It's like when me and my friends go to D&Bs, why am I the asshole for staying at the bar watching the game? I can play video games at my house, if there's a fucking yankee game on i'm sitting at the bar. this is a foriegn concept to them.

[Jackass]

Drinking games = GAY.

Random tale: While being detained by the LA County Sheriff, I was placed into a booking cell with my brother Greg. As he was being booked, I took a seat on a bench. I spied a half ounce of Columbian Gold in a baggie wedged between the slats of the bench.

I pocketed the weed and when I was placed into a cell after booking, my brother produced a smoking stone and matches and we proceeded to do a few one hitters in the cell.

I bailed out a few hours later, about a half ounce richer.

[thecaptain15]

Drinking games = GAY.

I agree...A real pro drinks when they want and how they want and doesn't need a game ;D

[sancho231]

Drinking is no game

[thecaptain15]

Drinking is no game

This coming from the man who plays "Beat the Clock" daily......

[crazilyz]

cactusjames said:

Whatever happened to being just a regular alcoholic?

Amen to that.

This must've happened in 1995 or 1996 on a Friday after work when I decided to hit Down the Hatch instead of the Rock Ridge...I'm hanging out getting my drink on and getting my snack on when some guy dared me to pull some stripper moves in the middle of the bar. No, my clothes did not come off but dollar bills were stuck in my shirt. I ended up getting so twisted that night that I got home and see a shitload of singles in my bra and wondered what the hell I did earlier in the evening. The visit to the Rock Ridge on the following night was funded by the proceeds in my bra.

[Chris]

I have a friend in Dallas named "Chadwick." His name is Sean Chadwick, but we call him Chadwick...always have. He's a GREAT guy, but he is, at times (most times) the male equivalent of the the Chrissy Snow character from Three's Company.

Chadwick and a group of friends were driving down Sunset Blvd. in Hollywood some years ago and pulled up to a traffic light. Across the street there was a huge movie production going on in a parking lot - cameras, cranes, booms, actors, director, assistants, lots of hustle and bustle...a full on big time blockbuster production!!! In the lane next to Chadwick's car a motorcycle cop had pulled up to the light.

John (the guy with the kid who doesn't like submarine movies) looking over and the grand movie production going on says, "Whoa, look at that!"

Chadwick replies, "What, the cop?"

[Jason Giambi]

This thread went tits up in the shortest I've ever seen. After Tom's original post, it sucks

[$heriff Tom]

A couple of years ago I was filling in at our Flushing Queens office for someone on maternity leave. Pretty much had the nice, exquisite office to myself, especially late in the day when the reps would dissapear. Well, one day, after work, i had plans to attend the Yankees/Mets tilt at Shea, just a hop and a jump away.

Five minutes before splitting, I went into the kitchen and made myself a drink. I had a bottle of soda, dumped most of it out, and topped the bottle with some hard stuff. For some reason I was nervous that the alcohol smell would linger, so i took my time running the sink. I then left...

And left the sink on.

Imagine my surprise the next day when i came in to work, and once I opened the door I noticed a HUGE HOLE in the ceiling. I then noticed that the floor was sopping wet. I did some mental math and figured that there was a flood upstairs, it crashed through the roof, and doused our floor. But then I noticed that the tops of desks, the tops of cabinets, anything above the floor was NOT wet.

All of a sudden some jerk comes in from the hall yelling that some idiot left the sink running the night before, totally flooding the floor, with the puddle going out into the hall towards the other offices in the complex. No one could get in, so maintanance had to break a hole through the ceiling to drop into our office and shut off the sink.

I was like, "uh, oh." I made up a fable, that there was no reason for me to ever run the sink, and there must have been some sort of misunderstanding. I needed to cover tracks....not only did i flood the rug, I completely ruined thousands of dollars worth of electical equipment that was plugged in, like copiers, fax machines, printers....I also ruined a bunch of files that were boxed on the floor.

I did some damage.

And somehow got away with it. 5 years later, still here. The only consequence is the next couple of days i had to come in on the weekend to move the fans around that were blow-drying the rugs dry.

Damn, I did like thousands of dollars worth of damage just for want of a mixed drink to take on the subway to Shea.

[9]

Expensive cocktail. Luckily, it didn't come out of your wallet.

[Chris]

When I was about 15 I had a job in a hospital delivering trays of food to the patients, then picking up the trays and washing the dishes.

One day I walked into a patient's room with a tray just as the nurse was pulling the sheet over the patient's head, while the family stood around sobbing. The nurse looked at me, and in her softest voice and professional bedside manner said, "This patient has expired." Standing there, a little unsure of what to do, I blurted out ...(I don't know where this came from...it was almost as if my mouth and brain were on auto-pilot)..."Oh, I guess he won't be needing this then."

With that, I turned and walked out of the room.

[crazilyz]

I worked with a guy who was a bit of a jokester and got the impression that his dad was one as well.

He told me the following story...

His dad was watching television and saw the Viagra commercial...the end of the commercial says "ask your doctor if viagra is right for you" so at his next visit (dude was at least 80), he asked the question. Now the doctor has to admisiter whatever battery of questions during such as inquiry...I guess do you ED problems, how often do you have sex, etc. Basically this guy doesn't have a sex life whatsoever so after the doctor determined that this man doesn't need Viagra, he asked "why are you asking about this when you don't need it?" He said "because the TV commercial said I should ask if it's right for me."

[withspades]

Coming home from central park last night I got a ride from Pops in his van. He pulls out of the parking spot on 100th street as I'm settling in, and a block and a half later a cop put up his lights and siren. We thought he wanted to pass us, we pulled over and so did the cop. Pops is pulling out his license when he approaches the window and the cop says, "Hi, no need for your license, I actually want his." he said pointing to me. WHAT?? I wondered if the guy overheard me talking to pops about weed or something, thinking this guy was using some bizarre probable cause, but no, he said that I didnt have my seatbelt on and for my safety I should have it on at all times. I looked down to check, and my belt was actually ON. Befuddled, I said, "My belt IS on." Coptastic says, "no, you *just* put it on after you saw me. Now let me see your license."

I didnt even know there was a cop pulling us over! I thought it was an ambulance looking to pass. Fucking dildo gave me a ticket telling me how important the belt is, and this should help me remember." Hey asshole I fucking AGREE, thats why I put it on in the first place! I cant believe that malarky. Its clearly quota time and we were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I'm pissed cuz I couldve gone for a beer with shane and the others, I couldve gone with Big Brian to the west side, but no, I wanted to be responsible and go straight home. What malarky!

[Chris]

Many years ago I went on a family outing to Disneyland. That day I wore a black and white FEAR t-shirt (FEAR: old punk band fronted by character actor Lee Ving). The FEAR logo bares a striking resemblance to a familiar Nazi Germany insignia (may particular t-shirt was sans the "MORE BEER" text):



When presenting my ticket to get in to the park, the ticket taker in my line was a little old lady. Now this little old lady couldn't POSSIBLY know who FEAR were...but she sure could/should be aware of the Nazis...and from afar, and from an inexperienced eye when it comes to punk rock, this shirt for all intents and purposes appears to be a plain black t-shirt with a Nazi symbol on it. So...the little old lady looks around carefully scanning her surroundings like a street corner salesman with a trench-coat full of hot wristwatches...leans in REAL close to me and whispers..."I really like your t-shirt!"

NAZI!!!! Disneyland had a fucking NAZI supporter working there.

[$heriff Tom]

A couple of years ago I was walking into an auto parts store with Dana and Emma in tow, wearing a shirt with Uncle Sam on it, pointing and declaring "I WANT BEER"

A woman going the other way looked at the shirt and shook her head with absolute disgust. I guess she was a Patriot, not happy Uncle Sam was being used that way. Either that, or she did not think a Dad should be walking around with his toddler daughter, sporting a shirt expousing beer.

Either way, I gave her a look of disgust right back.

[kingdzbws]

Kenny,

It sucks, but I bet if you showed up at court to fight, the cop won't be there, and you can win. Whether it's worth it or not, I don't know - depends on if the ticket cost more than your time waiting in court.

M

[jwmcc]

I remember a time when Steve's brother Rich couldn't enter the boxseats for a night game at the Stadium because he had the Marijuana tshirt that resembled the McDonald's logo with the phrase "over 100 million stoned" on it.
Jw

[$heriff Tom]

So we were talking about people who fight in public for some reason, and this guy at work tells us this little tale. He had an uncle who was this Greek muscleman, worked as a cook in a diner. He once beat the holy hell out of a guy for making a crack about his wife, and put him in the hospital.

So the guy is apparently shooting off his mouth from his hospital bed, about how he is going to take his revenge when he gets out, how he is going to beat up this cook, blah blah blah. So the cook hears about it, finds out when this guy is being released, and heads off to the hospital. The guy comes walking out, and...

The Greek ambles on over, and beats him up all over again, and puts him right back into the hospital.

Good tale!

[Jackass]

Those types of public fisticuffs are splendid. Years ago, my brother Greg and I worked at Alamo Rent A Car at LAX. A few of our buddies worked there as well.

Once, a customer was such an asshole, that one of our friends, Duane Berry, socked the guy across the counter. Popped him in the left eye and then a quick shot to the mouth. Right in front if the dude's wife and teenage daughter.

I like to think that every picture that they look at of that long ago vacation shows ol' smart assed dad with a fucking shiner and a split lip.

Oh, yea, back in the mid 1980's my grand dad beat the fuck out of a guy at a grocery store. He was in his 70's (and had had a triple bypass). The dude was in his 30's and made the mistake of mouthing off to my gramps in front of my grandma at the Market Basket on La Brea in Inglewood.

My gramp used to carry a sap in his back pocket (he was a cop in the 1950's when they all carried a leather wrapped lead sap), and he cracked the guy over the head with that thing and then started socking the dazed motherfucker into the candy rack at the cash register.

My grandma was mortified.

[$heriff Tom]

So Emma ended up with a boo-boo under her eye, and I guess she is waiting for people to ask her about it, so she can show it off.

So yesterday, apparently dissapointed that no one asked her about it, she says, "No one inquired about my eye."

Yeah. INQUIRED. Not sure where she got that one...I asked her today, and she insisted she did not know. All you fans of my big words will be happy to know she does this with some regularity. I am so proud of her.

[jwmcc]

But does she actually use those words in the correct context?

[MSBNYY]

Sounds like a very smart kid. Must take after her mother.

[$heriff Tom]

She uses them in context, she has not learned Dads trick of sticking big words in for the fun of it cause they sound like they would fit.

I enjoy when she uses words like "indeed" and "for instance." Last week I asked her if she wanted fruit snacks as a dessert, and she was like, "I would prefer ice cream."

Thats my girl!

[Chris]

Today I had lunch with my wife at Islands (a burger restaurant chain). While waiting for her and our table to be ready, outside the restaurant, with the little beeper thing they gave, there was a guy, probably in his late 40s/early 50s on talking on his Treo - here's what I overheard:

(leaving a voice mail) "Hi Landon, this is Richard. I'm outside Islands. I'm wearing jeans, green crocs, and maroon shirt" (Indeed he was wearing jeans, green crocs, and a maroon shirt)

(next phone call, he seemed to actually be on the line with someone) ".....and then I've got this other deal with Roger Staubach. He says there's no way it's going to work in the greater Phoenix area. So if this thing changes from 6 million to 5.2 million, I guess it's not that big of a deal..."

[9]

What a namedropper.