Post by $heriff Tom on Aug 25, 2006 14:21:21 GMT -5
May 30th, 2000 and the beer is still gone...
Well, the grand experiment has commenced. No beer in the bleachers. What is next, no praying in church? No sex in the bedroom? Needless to say, nothing changed. It is just we were drinking out of "beer-noculars" rather than cups.
I had the pleasure of being interviewed by such mass media bastions as New Yorker Magazine where I was able to break out my "what's next, are they going to make the men come in fedoras and the ladies with parasols, and broadcast the games in black and white again?" line.
Things started off merry enough on Friday. In keeping with the annoying media presence theme Daily News chronicaler Filip Bondy showed up in the park and started kicking a soccer ball around. That was somewhat surreal. We told him of our plans to get prosthetic legs just so we could use them to sneak in beer, but all our poignant quotes were for naught as we were bumped from his column by the idiot who fell out of the upper deck and onto the netting below.
The lunatic parade was in full force, someone had a lifesize cutout of Don Zimmer with a Bud in his hand, and there were a number of "We Want Beer!" placards and banners. THe cops took time off from looking the other way when smokes are bought out to confiscate the signs. We noticed that even though they took away our beer, they have added cheese fries to the menu. And in a stunning show of of short-sightedness, the Stadium garnished the outside facade with "BEER FREE ZONE" and "NO ALCOHOL" type of signs, but they still didn't have it in them to remove the anitquated "GENERAL ADMISSION" signs.
There was the usual hootenanny going on, some girl flashed us from the upper deck and was booted, prompting a shower of cups and garbage and a mass exchange of pleasantries between the Bleacher brigade and the offending cops. Capone was booted for like the 20th Friday in a row, escorted out at 9:44, which almost had him passing Milton on the way in, making his getting ver boring really quickly grand entrance on the late side.
Saturday we were treated to a Bob Sheppard speech to curtail "unruly behavior" as apparently fans have taken to dropping out of the sky while the ball is in play. The speech was met with chuckles and a smattering of boos. I was pretty much hammered as I did the old beer for breakfast, to where Gang Bang Steve said he was getting drunk just looking at me. Security was in rare form - one 300 pounder actually called Angry Teddy a bum, and another told us to stop the "D...I....C....K" chant or we would be out of there "faster than lightning."
Somehow someway over the course of that day I ended up with a picture of Jesus Christ in my bag. At first I figured I bought it stumbling around the blocks around Jeremys Ale House, but it was gift wrapped and I do not see myself buying myself anything and having it wrapped. Maybe a good fan wanted to send me a positive message or something. It beats the normal assemblage of chicken bones and nip bottles usually left in there by my buddies. So if you are the one who got me the Jesus Christ picture, thanks.
Sunday we bought back the old crowd favorite - "when is Tom going to pass out." ranging from Kwik's top of the 3rd to my brother Dave's show of faith with the bottom of the 8th, but the joke was on them when I made it all the way through, after doing a tease and popping up like a Jack in the Box when one particular count-out reached nine. And of course at the end of the game we had the prerequisite strangers come over to thank us for the "nice show, guys."
As Gang Bang said, we'll be here all week. And on top of that, my Tom Dance made National TV on Friday, which had people grumbling about how I am the only one out there allowed to get away with anything.
And now for the ever-popular series awards....
WORST BIG WORD USED - "policing" by Gang Bang Steve
WORST WORD USED PERIOD - "rehash" by Capone
FAN OF THE SERIES - obviously the drunkarrd who plummeted from the upper deck and lounged around on the net for a while.
DUMBEST SHIRT - one sported by a guy that said "CIA NEWS FLASH - KENNEDY KILLED HIMSELF"
WORST SHORTS - Dan is a piece of shit.
WORST PROP - Teddys pencil from Cleveland that looks like a magicians rod
MOST TASTELESS LINE - when addressing the Wendy's massacre, someone said "well, that means a lot of overtime for the guys on the morning shift."
MOST QUESTIONABLE ACTION - some guy tipped the peanut vendor
3 FUN FACTS BOUGHT OUT DURING GAMES
1) "Win Ben Steins Money" is as stereotypical as "Win Anthony's Pizza" or "Win Rakeems Stolen Bike"
2)If the Red Sox ever hit a World Series winning home run, the guy would miss home plate
3) every Umbrella Day it is sure to rain, and the game will be postponed
Well, even after this maelstrom of a weekend, it is time to get juiced for Jokeland and the A's. I will be there, sans beer of course, but I will find a way. The bleachers are the bleachers, they will never take that away from us. And as someone scrolled on my scorecard, there may be no beer, but the ladies still have Tom.
Thanks for your time and attention. See you in the park before games drinking beer like only we can do. I have to go now and buy the new Iron Maiden CD. Later!
Well, the grand experiment has commenced. No beer in the bleachers. What is next, no praying in church? No sex in the bedroom? Needless to say, nothing changed. It is just we were drinking out of "beer-noculars" rather than cups.
I had the pleasure of being interviewed by such mass media bastions as New Yorker Magazine where I was able to break out my "what's next, are they going to make the men come in fedoras and the ladies with parasols, and broadcast the games in black and white again?" line.
Things started off merry enough on Friday. In keeping with the annoying media presence theme Daily News chronicaler Filip Bondy showed up in the park and started kicking a soccer ball around. That was somewhat surreal. We told him of our plans to get prosthetic legs just so we could use them to sneak in beer, but all our poignant quotes were for naught as we were bumped from his column by the idiot who fell out of the upper deck and onto the netting below.
The lunatic parade was in full force, someone had a lifesize cutout of Don Zimmer with a Bud in his hand, and there were a number of "We Want Beer!" placards and banners. THe cops took time off from looking the other way when smokes are bought out to confiscate the signs. We noticed that even though they took away our beer, they have added cheese fries to the menu. And in a stunning show of of short-sightedness, the Stadium garnished the outside facade with "BEER FREE ZONE" and "NO ALCOHOL" type of signs, but they still didn't have it in them to remove the anitquated "GENERAL ADMISSION" signs.
There was the usual hootenanny going on, some girl flashed us from the upper deck and was booted, prompting a shower of cups and garbage and a mass exchange of pleasantries between the Bleacher brigade and the offending cops. Capone was booted for like the 20th Friday in a row, escorted out at 9:44, which almost had him passing Milton on the way in, making his getting ver boring really quickly grand entrance on the late side.
Saturday we were treated to a Bob Sheppard speech to curtail "unruly behavior" as apparently fans have taken to dropping out of the sky while the ball is in play. The speech was met with chuckles and a smattering of boos. I was pretty much hammered as I did the old beer for breakfast, to where Gang Bang Steve said he was getting drunk just looking at me. Security was in rare form - one 300 pounder actually called Angry Teddy a bum, and another told us to stop the "D...I....C....K" chant or we would be out of there "faster than lightning."
Somehow someway over the course of that day I ended up with a picture of Jesus Christ in my bag. At first I figured I bought it stumbling around the blocks around Jeremys Ale House, but it was gift wrapped and I do not see myself buying myself anything and having it wrapped. Maybe a good fan wanted to send me a positive message or something. It beats the normal assemblage of chicken bones and nip bottles usually left in there by my buddies. So if you are the one who got me the Jesus Christ picture, thanks.
Sunday we bought back the old crowd favorite - "when is Tom going to pass out." ranging from Kwik's top of the 3rd to my brother Dave's show of faith with the bottom of the 8th, but the joke was on them when I made it all the way through, after doing a tease and popping up like a Jack in the Box when one particular count-out reached nine. And of course at the end of the game we had the prerequisite strangers come over to thank us for the "nice show, guys."
As Gang Bang said, we'll be here all week. And on top of that, my Tom Dance made National TV on Friday, which had people grumbling about how I am the only one out there allowed to get away with anything.
And now for the ever-popular series awards....
WORST BIG WORD USED - "policing" by Gang Bang Steve
WORST WORD USED PERIOD - "rehash" by Capone
FAN OF THE SERIES - obviously the drunkarrd who plummeted from the upper deck and lounged around on the net for a while.
DUMBEST SHIRT - one sported by a guy that said "CIA NEWS FLASH - KENNEDY KILLED HIMSELF"
WORST SHORTS - Dan is a piece of shit.
WORST PROP - Teddys pencil from Cleveland that looks like a magicians rod
MOST TASTELESS LINE - when addressing the Wendy's massacre, someone said "well, that means a lot of overtime for the guys on the morning shift."
MOST QUESTIONABLE ACTION - some guy tipped the peanut vendor
3 FUN FACTS BOUGHT OUT DURING GAMES
1) "Win Ben Steins Money" is as stereotypical as "Win Anthony's Pizza" or "Win Rakeems Stolen Bike"
2)If the Red Sox ever hit a World Series winning home run, the guy would miss home plate
3) every Umbrella Day it is sure to rain, and the game will be postponed
Well, even after this maelstrom of a weekend, it is time to get juiced for Jokeland and the A's. I will be there, sans beer of course, but I will find a way. The bleachers are the bleachers, they will never take that away from us. And as someone scrolled on my scorecard, there may be no beer, but the ladies still have Tom.
Thanks for your time and attention. See you in the park before games drinking beer like only we can do. I have to go now and buy the new Iron Maiden CD. Later!
