Post by $heriff Tom on Aug 26, 2006 22:33:32 GMT -5
Well, this is not the typical "column." Once time passes, the anecdotal reference points are lost, and the "story" is passed. All that remains from the first half of this season are scattered jokes and bon mots, penned in drunken hand on my scorecards, which now join my past pennings to take up 3 loose leafs - a decades worth of joke, opinion, and fallacy.
So basically, in an effort to catch up and waste as little material as I could, I decide to deviate from "column writing" to "note taking" for the time being. So here they are, as I sit here with a beer to my left and my scorecards to my right....I present you with Game Notes Version 1, covering April-May 2002.
It is the lazy way to do it, but I still think a few of you will catch a grin, remembering some of these lines as they were hollered and uttered, and some of the sights as you saw them through hazy glaze.
What I did is take a game or series of such, present some game notes in the "old man fell down the stairs in the 3rd inning" veign, followed by a series of "quotes of the game", and any added addendums to add to the additional levity of it all. So lets start with Opening Day, and I don't have much, cause I was quite the inebriated one...
OPENING DAY Yankees vs. Tampa Bay
Kind of scarce on the "game notes" which simply means whoever was taking them was as drunk as I was. I do remember I rode to the game from Long Island City underneath the tarpulin in the back of DUI James' pickup truck. All that was noted on the scorecard was "Tom fights with Lucy for the 1st time this season- 3:06PM", a mention of David Cone's venture out to see us in Section 39, and a series of comments lambasting Knoblauch for the awful tie-die jeans he showed up in.
APRIL 16 - Yankees vs. Blowrioles
GAME NOTES...
Well, this was the game we returned to Yancey Park for the first time in 6 months, due to the cops taking it over as a place to let their horses crap once 9/11 unfolded. And we found out time does not change anything, Capone still left all of his considerable empties behind.
Non-drinker Metssuckballs was the only guy who showed up in the park with a bottle opener.
We found out the unlikely combo of Big Brian, myself, Capone, and Domi Fan are seated left to right in a melange of season ticketry.
LINES OF THE GAME
1) "I will give high-fives to like 5 people, everyone else is a face in the crowd." - Big Tone Capone walking in, all hopped up on Colt 45's
2) "hey, there was a lot of jerking off going into that haircut!" - Capone to a greaser walking by.
3) "Ice cream buying sucks!!!" Capone to the Ice Cream Lady, only to have her snap back "no, honey, YOU suck!" At that point he turned to me with a wry grin and said "I like yelling at people...it's refreshing."
4) "for a guy that works out all the time, I don't see it." - Knoblauch, taking a look at Grovers "imposing" physique.
5) "Sit down old man!" Junior, of all people, to an old man, as Old Man Jimmy sat 2 seats away from him with an omnipresent grin.
6) "Once you go black my parent's don't let you back." - Capone
BIG WORD - "configurate" by Staten Island Joe
April 17 - Yankees vs. Blowrioles
GAME NOTES...
Reading the paper pregame in the park I found out a guy shot dead in the village crumpled dead in front a bar noted for me passing out in front of it on the way to an Iron Maiden Concert, where I was found by Kwik and Gang Bang Steve (Karavas).
We discussed Oriole LF Marty Cordova, who Billy once called "the best LF of our generation, you watch."
Black Metal Mike showed up with a box of Ritz crackers.
Jorge Posada took a called strike three while Jason Giambi was in the process of taking a curtain call for a HR.
41 interrupted a conversation a few of us were having about Don Quijote, mistakenly thinking he was a "Mexican Wrestler." When we started laughing at him he flushed and asked "ok, whats a donkey hote?"
Big Joe pointed out that Crazy Dave looked like "Tubbs" from Miami Vice.
The Village People actually appeared on the scoreboard answering a baseball trivia question with In The Navy playing directly afterwards.
LINES OF THE GAME
1) "What, did you throw Hawaii into a blender?" - one of many comments towards Crazy Dave's latest shirt monstrosity.
2) "Thats as stupid as having Capone running for Tom" - a comment made when Vander Wal came in to run for Spencer.
3) When Milton walked up with "nurse pants" people started hollering out "Bring me a cowbell STAT!"
May 1 and 3, 2002 - Yankees vs. A's
GAME NOTES...
On "Frank Sinatra CD night, DUI James was bragging that he had a "bootleg" Frank Sinatra CD.
Tina thought Navy Mikes original name (Monster Mike) was actually "Goofy Mike."
We found out Bob Sheppard was out due to "shingles" which people mistakenly thought was something that "had to do with the ass."
When handed a camera and asked to snap a picture, "Statman" Steve held the camera to his face the wrong way until he was told.
Walkman John left a 7:05 start at 8:38.
LINES OF THE GAME(S)
"Hey, Phil, how many months are you?" - Tina
"Go find your missing chromosomes" - Grover to an ugly fan.
May 14 - 16, 2002 - Yankees vs. Tampa Bay
GAME NOTES
The Bleacher Documentary Film crew made thier season debut.
5 of the first 12 outs on 5/14's game scorecard were mystery outs.
Protege Tommy found a "cow costume" in the park and was wearing it and jerking off the udders.
Gang Bang's brother Rich was denied access at the door for wearing an "offensive" Marijuana - over 1 Billion Stoned t-shirt.
While explaining dumb house rules to us, like no standing on the benches or no foul language, a cop dropped the "September 11" bomb.
Milton called a conclusive HR bet "inconclusive."
LINES OF THE GAME
1) Cowbell Milton on why he wants to go to a Coney Island Cyclones game - "We want to boo the Mets when they are young."
2) Comic Tim called Metssuckballs "Jokessuckballs" - which caused Grover to note "it's about time he said something funny."
3) "You have nice eyes, you should try and keep them open more often." - the female cop by the rail to my drunken self.
4) "My people can afford shoulder pads, yours can not." - someone arguing about the allure of soccer with Milton.
5) "You were late first!" - Gang Bang arguing with his brother about his tardy arrival.
6) "What do you expect, Metssuckballs is a lawyer who chats on a message board all day." - one of us discounting Metssuckballs' opinions on something.
7) I compared the image of Donahuge running to that of water burning.
"I'm not going all the way to Long Island for a piece of steak." - Capone, on why he did not want to go to Mango's wedding anyway.
May 17, 2002 - Yankees vs. Twins
GAME NOTES
Lucy and Saudia sat in box seats right next to the cast of the Fast and the Furious, who were said to have very much enjoyed my Rocky dance.
When a black squirrel was spotted running around the park, a bunch of us speculated if the property value on the grass would go down.
A cop made the Wolfpac sign when Giambi came to bat.
Phil, Grover, Domi and Gang Bang Steve were all ejected in the top of the 8th during a heinous "Gang Bang" refrain
WORDS OF THE GAME - "preface" by Kwik, "avid" by Milton.
May 21, 2002 - Yankees vs. Blow Jays
GAME NOTES
Mondesi looked up from right and yelled prophetically "I'm coming here!!!!" He then gave me the finger at the time noted - 8:54.
Bob Sheppard called Steve Karsay "Mike Stanton" by mistake, and we got to here him say, in the voice of God, "Correction....Steve Karsay."
The Creatures did the "reverse roll call" for the first, and seemingly last, time.....chanting the Toronto lineup with a loud "SUCKS!" afterwards, around the horn.
A random fan was wearing the same ugly sweater we have all seen Knoblauch in.
LINES OF THE GAME
1) After Capone said he ate a salad earlier in the day, I fired back "yeah, it's called a lawn."
2) As Dan Plesac came in to pitch relief, Gang Bang hollered "ring the alarm, it's the 40 millionth appearance by Dan Plesac."
3) Capone called a rout a "cat walk."
4) After Cactus James said he lived in Brentwood, DUI James snapped "I want to give him clothes...it's amazing where people live these days."
5) Steve called me the "Terry Funk" of the Bleachers.
May 31, 2002 - Yankees vs. Bosucks
GAME NOTES
Crazy Dave showed up in gaudy yellow shorts.
Big Brian had to turn his Boston Sucks shirt around to get inside.
Eddie Layton started playing his organ as a fly ball was still in the air, and the out was by no means made.
LINES OF THE GAME
"Swallow your food and throw a strike!!" - Grover, towards David Wells.
"Shingles is NOT a 20th century disease!" - complaining about Bob Sheppards ailment.
When Phil showd up in arm cast, everyone came to the conclusion it was from "jerking off too much."
"I'm sweating like a whore in a confessional booth." - Bald Vinny
Well, that covers it pretty much until I bang out the installment for June. There is a TON more left from there to now. What is good about this quickie style, although it is really not funny, is I can basically pull an archive game out of my ass, one of your birthdays for example, or your first game out in the bleachers, and pull a piece together like this for you, which you can frame and keep in your library or den for the ages.
Hope you enjoyed it. If not, read it again and try a little harder next time.
So basically, in an effort to catch up and waste as little material as I could, I decide to deviate from "column writing" to "note taking" for the time being. So here they are, as I sit here with a beer to my left and my scorecards to my right....I present you with Game Notes Version 1, covering April-May 2002.
It is the lazy way to do it, but I still think a few of you will catch a grin, remembering some of these lines as they were hollered and uttered, and some of the sights as you saw them through hazy glaze.
What I did is take a game or series of such, present some game notes in the "old man fell down the stairs in the 3rd inning" veign, followed by a series of "quotes of the game", and any added addendums to add to the additional levity of it all. So lets start with Opening Day, and I don't have much, cause I was quite the inebriated one...
OPENING DAY Yankees vs. Tampa Bay
Kind of scarce on the "game notes" which simply means whoever was taking them was as drunk as I was. I do remember I rode to the game from Long Island City underneath the tarpulin in the back of DUI James' pickup truck. All that was noted on the scorecard was "Tom fights with Lucy for the 1st time this season- 3:06PM", a mention of David Cone's venture out to see us in Section 39, and a series of comments lambasting Knoblauch for the awful tie-die jeans he showed up in.
APRIL 16 - Yankees vs. Blowrioles
GAME NOTES...
Well, this was the game we returned to Yancey Park for the first time in 6 months, due to the cops taking it over as a place to let their horses crap once 9/11 unfolded. And we found out time does not change anything, Capone still left all of his considerable empties behind.
Non-drinker Metssuckballs was the only guy who showed up in the park with a bottle opener.
We found out the unlikely combo of Big Brian, myself, Capone, and Domi Fan are seated left to right in a melange of season ticketry.
LINES OF THE GAME
1) "I will give high-fives to like 5 people, everyone else is a face in the crowd." - Big Tone Capone walking in, all hopped up on Colt 45's
2) "hey, there was a lot of jerking off going into that haircut!" - Capone to a greaser walking by.
3) "Ice cream buying sucks!!!" Capone to the Ice Cream Lady, only to have her snap back "no, honey, YOU suck!" At that point he turned to me with a wry grin and said "I like yelling at people...it's refreshing."
4) "for a guy that works out all the time, I don't see it." - Knoblauch, taking a look at Grovers "imposing" physique.
5) "Sit down old man!" Junior, of all people, to an old man, as Old Man Jimmy sat 2 seats away from him with an omnipresent grin.
6) "Once you go black my parent's don't let you back." - Capone
BIG WORD - "configurate" by Staten Island Joe
April 17 - Yankees vs. Blowrioles
GAME NOTES...
Reading the paper pregame in the park I found out a guy shot dead in the village crumpled dead in front a bar noted for me passing out in front of it on the way to an Iron Maiden Concert, where I was found by Kwik and Gang Bang Steve (Karavas).
We discussed Oriole LF Marty Cordova, who Billy once called "the best LF of our generation, you watch."
Black Metal Mike showed up with a box of Ritz crackers.
Jorge Posada took a called strike three while Jason Giambi was in the process of taking a curtain call for a HR.
41 interrupted a conversation a few of us were having about Don Quijote, mistakenly thinking he was a "Mexican Wrestler." When we started laughing at him he flushed and asked "ok, whats a donkey hote?"
Big Joe pointed out that Crazy Dave looked like "Tubbs" from Miami Vice.
The Village People actually appeared on the scoreboard answering a baseball trivia question with In The Navy playing directly afterwards.
LINES OF THE GAME
1) "What, did you throw Hawaii into a blender?" - one of many comments towards Crazy Dave's latest shirt monstrosity.
2) "Thats as stupid as having Capone running for Tom" - a comment made when Vander Wal came in to run for Spencer.
3) When Milton walked up with "nurse pants" people started hollering out "Bring me a cowbell STAT!"
May 1 and 3, 2002 - Yankees vs. A's
GAME NOTES...
On "Frank Sinatra CD night, DUI James was bragging that he had a "bootleg" Frank Sinatra CD.
Tina thought Navy Mikes original name (Monster Mike) was actually "Goofy Mike."
We found out Bob Sheppard was out due to "shingles" which people mistakenly thought was something that "had to do with the ass."
When handed a camera and asked to snap a picture, "Statman" Steve held the camera to his face the wrong way until he was told.
Walkman John left a 7:05 start at 8:38.
LINES OF THE GAME(S)
"Hey, Phil, how many months are you?" - Tina
"Go find your missing chromosomes" - Grover to an ugly fan.
May 14 - 16, 2002 - Yankees vs. Tampa Bay
GAME NOTES
The Bleacher Documentary Film crew made thier season debut.
5 of the first 12 outs on 5/14's game scorecard were mystery outs.
Protege Tommy found a "cow costume" in the park and was wearing it and jerking off the udders.
Gang Bang's brother Rich was denied access at the door for wearing an "offensive" Marijuana - over 1 Billion Stoned t-shirt.
While explaining dumb house rules to us, like no standing on the benches or no foul language, a cop dropped the "September 11" bomb.
Milton called a conclusive HR bet "inconclusive."
LINES OF THE GAME
1) Cowbell Milton on why he wants to go to a Coney Island Cyclones game - "We want to boo the Mets when they are young."
2) Comic Tim called Metssuckballs "Jokessuckballs" - which caused Grover to note "it's about time he said something funny."
3) "You have nice eyes, you should try and keep them open more often." - the female cop by the rail to my drunken self.
4) "My people can afford shoulder pads, yours can not." - someone arguing about the allure of soccer with Milton.
5) "You were late first!" - Gang Bang arguing with his brother about his tardy arrival.
6) "What do you expect, Metssuckballs is a lawyer who chats on a message board all day." - one of us discounting Metssuckballs' opinions on something.
7) I compared the image of Donahuge running to that of water burning.
"I'm not going all the way to Long Island for a piece of steak." - Capone, on why he did not want to go to Mango's wedding anyway.
May 17, 2002 - Yankees vs. Twins
GAME NOTES
Lucy and Saudia sat in box seats right next to the cast of the Fast and the Furious, who were said to have very much enjoyed my Rocky dance.
When a black squirrel was spotted running around the park, a bunch of us speculated if the property value on the grass would go down.
A cop made the Wolfpac sign when Giambi came to bat.
Phil, Grover, Domi and Gang Bang Steve were all ejected in the top of the 8th during a heinous "Gang Bang" refrain
WORDS OF THE GAME - "preface" by Kwik, "avid" by Milton.
May 21, 2002 - Yankees vs. Blow Jays
GAME NOTES
Mondesi looked up from right and yelled prophetically "I'm coming here!!!!" He then gave me the finger at the time noted - 8:54.
Bob Sheppard called Steve Karsay "Mike Stanton" by mistake, and we got to here him say, in the voice of God, "Correction....Steve Karsay."
The Creatures did the "reverse roll call" for the first, and seemingly last, time.....chanting the Toronto lineup with a loud "SUCKS!" afterwards, around the horn.
A random fan was wearing the same ugly sweater we have all seen Knoblauch in.
LINES OF THE GAME
1) After Capone said he ate a salad earlier in the day, I fired back "yeah, it's called a lawn."
2) As Dan Plesac came in to pitch relief, Gang Bang hollered "ring the alarm, it's the 40 millionth appearance by Dan Plesac."
3) Capone called a rout a "cat walk."
4) After Cactus James said he lived in Brentwood, DUI James snapped "I want to give him clothes...it's amazing where people live these days."
5) Steve called me the "Terry Funk" of the Bleachers.
May 31, 2002 - Yankees vs. Bosucks
GAME NOTES
Crazy Dave showed up in gaudy yellow shorts.
Big Brian had to turn his Boston Sucks shirt around to get inside.
Eddie Layton started playing his organ as a fly ball was still in the air, and the out was by no means made.
LINES OF THE GAME
"Swallow your food and throw a strike!!" - Grover, towards David Wells.
"Shingles is NOT a 20th century disease!" - complaining about Bob Sheppards ailment.
When Phil showd up in arm cast, everyone came to the conclusion it was from "jerking off too much."
"I'm sweating like a whore in a confessional booth." - Bald Vinny
Well, that covers it pretty much until I bang out the installment for June. There is a TON more left from there to now. What is good about this quickie style, although it is really not funny, is I can basically pull an archive game out of my ass, one of your birthdays for example, or your first game out in the bleachers, and pull a piece together like this for you, which you can frame and keep in your library or den for the ages.
Hope you enjoyed it. If not, read it again and try a little harder next time.
