Post by $heriff Tom on Sept 6, 2006 13:10:01 GMT -5
The week started on Monday with God's idea of a joke, the old gag of water spitting from the sky. I mean, thanks for that, it is only the RED SOX in town. Of course there were a few of us diehards (or idiots) who came out in it even though there was more chance an orgy would break out than a baseball game. One of the sorrier sights this year (besides 41's KISS shirt) was Grover and myself standing in the park, in the rain, shivering under tree branches. To make things worse, my beer shoes were off, and I was drinking wine coolers. ONLY cause I am here to entertain and I thought it would be funny, of course. I mean, the drink had the word "Medley" on the bottle. Stuff like this went on until 9:30, when as we stood outside Twins FatFood hoping they would toss us out some free food, they called the damn thing.
Well, the rain finally abated on Tuesday, but the threat was still there to give us something else to complain about. Pregame, as I was out at the Sandbox Suites holding court (and a pint on Michelob) Gang Bang Steve was learning at our secret pool hall that Junior is the only Spanish guy in the world who can not play pool. As the bleacher joke went, maybe he was playing too much Dominos. When it finally came time to march in, Cuban Monica fell in love with an El Duque lifesize cutout that was out there for the Moms and Pops to pose with. I egged her on by telling her she should plop it in her car so she could use the HOV Lane in the morning. Well, after asking a cop for amnesty to take it and getting a stone face complete with no response (He learned to do that during the Central Park wilding) she just went and ripped the thing off the pole, and we made a mad dash to her car and stuffed it in her trunk. We clapped hands and patted one another on the back all the way to the gates, proud of our heist, only to find out when we got in that they were being given away free right on the curb.
We made it inside, where thanks to the Nacho Stand again the place smelled like a Taco Bell. Topic of the day was Bosucks CF Carl Everett, who proclaimed in the press that he did not believe dinosaurs ever existed, as they were never mentioned in the Bible. Um...how do you explain the fossils then? We also busted Misguided Devil Fan Billy as the Devils had but 30 fans waiting for them at the airport when they returned with the Stanley Cup. For Christs sake, more people wait for me to come out of the bleacher bathroom to see if I am going to fall. A parade at the Meadowlands?? What, are you going to hire helicopters to drop ticker tape out of the sky? Good job, Billy, but what do you expect from a guy that only 2 years ago proclaimed MARTY CORDOVA the "best leftfielder in baseball for years to come."
Back to business. My scorecard had been enconsed in an orange folder, and the Monday rain seeped through and splattered them with a hazy orange hue, which we continuously referred to as "Elmo cum."
We lost the game 5-3 but it was worth it as Cowbell Milton lost yet another bet. I mean, come on. First time he lost money was when the Dodo Bird, who he had to survive, became extinct. He even bet Goliath to beat David. There was also a guy caught high up with a 40 of Colt 45, and although the Fun Police confiscated his booty, he was allowed to stay, and warmly applauded for his efforts.
Wednesday bought a day game, and a scant but ravenous Creature showing. Before the game, while mixing egg sandwiches and beer we were accosted by a gaggle of kids who were chanting "Yankees Suck!!" So, in an effort to impugn their innocense we told them to have sex and do drugs. Flag Day started with a bunch of rubes parachuting onto the field, and they were predictably booed. A 4-star General threw out a ceromonial first pitch about 30 feet over the catchers head. Um, it is not a grenade, sir. I came in with a WABC-AM promo Yankee hat, which got mixed reviews of "bad" and "terrible." A bunch of USA flags were bought out to combat the Dummy-In-A-Can flags for Pedro, which gave us a chance to have an educated talk about xenophobia.
Everyone was in a festive mood, handing out candy and gum. Gang Bang Steve, not wanting to feel left out, handed out cough drops. He had come in late from work, around the 6th, shocked that were were not down 7-0 until we informed him Clemens left after the 1st inning before he could cause some real damage. Some girl had given me a big cookie with sprinkles on it, which I munched while we talked about how Section 39 is the only place that can take the words "alcohol" and "free" and combine them into something bad. Talk turned to Tic Tac Toe (God, I love the bleachers) and I proclaimed the game was so simple no one but an idiot could lose it. So I promptly went and lost twice, to Lucy and Monster Mike, there on my scorecard for all to forever see. This was the game Tino won with the upper deck jobbie, so all was well with the world. Back in first.
This was also noteworthy in that it was the first game Walkman John (who was spotted on the 4 train by me and Steve NOT wearing a Walkman) missed in about 140 affairs. Since August 7, 1998. In his honor, we bought out a commemorative pitch counter, which we used to record the number of times someone yelled, "Where's the beer!!!!!"
A couple of awards...
BEST ARGUMENT - wether or not "El Guapo" Rich Garces of the Sox looks more like Humpty Dumpty or Toad, from the "Frog and Toad" childrens book series.
STUPIDEST DISCUSSION - Tic Tac Toe (see above)
FAN OF THE SERIES - the guy with the 40, or some dude who came out in a Police Sketch Hoodie Sweatshirt
WORST WORDS USED - armada, rhubarb, inauspicious, embellished
BEST DISCUSSED BLEACHER INNOVATION - a gag globe of the world with all the countries in the wrong places
WORST WAY TO CIRCUMVENT THE BEER BAN - that would be me drinking wine coolers in the park
Until this weekends set - to with the Chi-Sox is in the books, we will see you in Section 39 where we continue to be a danger to ourselves and others. Later...
The Good Sheriff
Well, the rain finally abated on Tuesday, but the threat was still there to give us something else to complain about. Pregame, as I was out at the Sandbox Suites holding court (and a pint on Michelob) Gang Bang Steve was learning at our secret pool hall that Junior is the only Spanish guy in the world who can not play pool. As the bleacher joke went, maybe he was playing too much Dominos. When it finally came time to march in, Cuban Monica fell in love with an El Duque lifesize cutout that was out there for the Moms and Pops to pose with. I egged her on by telling her she should plop it in her car so she could use the HOV Lane in the morning. Well, after asking a cop for amnesty to take it and getting a stone face complete with no response (He learned to do that during the Central Park wilding) she just went and ripped the thing off the pole, and we made a mad dash to her car and stuffed it in her trunk. We clapped hands and patted one another on the back all the way to the gates, proud of our heist, only to find out when we got in that they were being given away free right on the curb.
We made it inside, where thanks to the Nacho Stand again the place smelled like a Taco Bell. Topic of the day was Bosucks CF Carl Everett, who proclaimed in the press that he did not believe dinosaurs ever existed, as they were never mentioned in the Bible. Um...how do you explain the fossils then? We also busted Misguided Devil Fan Billy as the Devils had but 30 fans waiting for them at the airport when they returned with the Stanley Cup. For Christs sake, more people wait for me to come out of the bleacher bathroom to see if I am going to fall. A parade at the Meadowlands?? What, are you going to hire helicopters to drop ticker tape out of the sky? Good job, Billy, but what do you expect from a guy that only 2 years ago proclaimed MARTY CORDOVA the "best leftfielder in baseball for years to come."
Back to business. My scorecard had been enconsed in an orange folder, and the Monday rain seeped through and splattered them with a hazy orange hue, which we continuously referred to as "Elmo cum."
We lost the game 5-3 but it was worth it as Cowbell Milton lost yet another bet. I mean, come on. First time he lost money was when the Dodo Bird, who he had to survive, became extinct. He even bet Goliath to beat David. There was also a guy caught high up with a 40 of Colt 45, and although the Fun Police confiscated his booty, he was allowed to stay, and warmly applauded for his efforts.
Wednesday bought a day game, and a scant but ravenous Creature showing. Before the game, while mixing egg sandwiches and beer we were accosted by a gaggle of kids who were chanting "Yankees Suck!!" So, in an effort to impugn their innocense we told them to have sex and do drugs. Flag Day started with a bunch of rubes parachuting onto the field, and they were predictably booed. A 4-star General threw out a ceromonial first pitch about 30 feet over the catchers head. Um, it is not a grenade, sir. I came in with a WABC-AM promo Yankee hat, which got mixed reviews of "bad" and "terrible." A bunch of USA flags were bought out to combat the Dummy-In-A-Can flags for Pedro, which gave us a chance to have an educated talk about xenophobia.
Everyone was in a festive mood, handing out candy and gum. Gang Bang Steve, not wanting to feel left out, handed out cough drops. He had come in late from work, around the 6th, shocked that were were not down 7-0 until we informed him Clemens left after the 1st inning before he could cause some real damage. Some girl had given me a big cookie with sprinkles on it, which I munched while we talked about how Section 39 is the only place that can take the words "alcohol" and "free" and combine them into something bad. Talk turned to Tic Tac Toe (God, I love the bleachers) and I proclaimed the game was so simple no one but an idiot could lose it. So I promptly went and lost twice, to Lucy and Monster Mike, there on my scorecard for all to forever see. This was the game Tino won with the upper deck jobbie, so all was well with the world. Back in first.
This was also noteworthy in that it was the first game Walkman John (who was spotted on the 4 train by me and Steve NOT wearing a Walkman) missed in about 140 affairs. Since August 7, 1998. In his honor, we bought out a commemorative pitch counter, which we used to record the number of times someone yelled, "Where's the beer!!!!!"
A couple of awards...
BEST ARGUMENT - wether or not "El Guapo" Rich Garces of the Sox looks more like Humpty Dumpty or Toad, from the "Frog and Toad" childrens book series.
STUPIDEST DISCUSSION - Tic Tac Toe (see above)
FAN OF THE SERIES - the guy with the 40, or some dude who came out in a Police Sketch Hoodie Sweatshirt
WORST WORDS USED - armada, rhubarb, inauspicious, embellished
BEST DISCUSSED BLEACHER INNOVATION - a gag globe of the world with all the countries in the wrong places
WORST WAY TO CIRCUMVENT THE BEER BAN - that would be me drinking wine coolers in the park
Until this weekends set - to with the Chi-Sox is in the books, we will see you in Section 39 where we continue to be a danger to ourselves and others. Later...
The Good Sheriff
