Post by $heriff Tom on Oct 4, 2006 9:55:38 GMT -5
Just found this cleaning out my mailboxes here at work, today, Oct 4th of 2006. Enjoy, or not! This bought back some memories.
SEPTEMBER 2, 2000
And next thing you know it's September. I strolled into Joseph Yancey park on the 1st, cradling my Doc Otis and gnawing on a beef jerky, only to see the affable Pops holding court by my fence. But he came bearing gifts! He had not one, but TWO new Sheriffs badges for the esteemable me, the old silver kind that Big Joe was able to garner straight from the Alamo staff when they were not trying to keep guys like Ozzy Osbourne from peeing on the walls.
I am sure it is only a matter of time before that hooligan Mia is up to her old tricks again and breaks these ones all to Hell, like she did the original one that bought everyone else so much joy. So Pops, a man who actually left the section because he could not put up with the beer ban (most others just leave cause they can't put up with me) is tops. Or at least in the middle of the pack. We were playing the Twins that night, but the talk between sips and puffs was the Red Sucks. Everyone calls Clemens a headhunter cause of the Piazza thing (Hell, I just think he is a guy with exceptionally good aim) but keep in
> mind Pedro Martinez has walked only 27 men or so while hitting 17. The Sox traded for Bichette that day, which was as earth-shattering as acquiring a cube of ice to put in a glass of fruit punch.. Ted Williams, Yaz, Rice, Lynn...Bichette. Yeah, ok.
Once inside the regular hoopla was going on on the scoreboard, all bells and whistles, and Big Nose Larry grumbled that he could never seeany of it from our vantage point. Donahue, always one for the cheap laugh, retorted "then put your nose down." The crowd was small and tepid, causing us to muse that the place simply amounts to "crying babies" these days. Whatever happened to our oomph?
This night had been proclaimed weeks ago by the bleacher denizens as NFL night, when the regulars were all going to bedeck in their favoriteteam jerseys and argue and wrangle about it all night. Anything for Grover to bring out his Chicago Bears Rashaan Salaam jersey, I suppose. But he forgot (actually, he went as far as forgetting to even come to the game,yet alone wear the jersey) as did everyone but Big Tone Capone, who sported his Giant colors, which worked like mourning clothes as people spent the entire night coming up to him offering consolations..
During batting practice Denny Hocking sought out the mysterious keepers of the bleacher flame (the ones who still watch that sort of thing instead of getting drunk or high in some park) and pleaded that we chant his name in an abridged one-man road team roll call. And when contract terms were negotiated and we did just that, he recompensed us by posing,
jaw in air, like The Peoples Champion (but not these people - Tazz for life), the Rock.
Larry and crew were at it again, calling Matt Lawton "Subway" from some references he made when the Creatures invaded Minnesotta last year. It was constant chants of "Subway sucks!!" This prompted me to think
about how if Lawton had shared a field with roly poly Kirby Puckett, the Twins would have had "Subway" and "Blimpie" on the same field. DISCLAIMER - What is actually worse than that joke, and it sucks, is the scary fact that I only came up with it about 5 days later listening to a game on the radio.
The game plodded along. Posada whiffed in the 1st, marking the 5th time in a row we had seen him K at the Stadium, following his artful performance of the entrancing "Golden Sombrero" . We promptly dubbed 5 whiffs in a row as the "Platinum Sombrero" and Posada the King of it's
domain. One comic moment was Cuban Monica transforming into Little League Mom, yelling "DIg, dig, dig!!!!" as Bernie haphazardly tried to beat a throw from second. I was at my confused best, scrawling in a "MO" (mystery out) for O'neill in the first as I did not see the applicable play unfold. Only problem was it was not an out at all, yet alone a mystery one, as he hit a HOME RUN. Yet I still do not remember it, and I was sober.
We saw the introduction of a new feature the security schmoes and the crooked cops can use to have a laugh at our expense - the "Penalty Box." Big Tone was sent down for 10 minutes for carrying on with bombast, and Gang Bang was forced to spend some time down there as well. The box, near as I can tell, is in the sanctity of the lobby area by the taco stand.
The next day was Old-TImers Day, the only time you can find anything older than our jokes inside the place. I knew we were in for a long day when I noticed scattered around my person no less than 4 guys wearing shirts of pinkish hue, and they were all different shades. I smiled to myself at that oddity, and the fact that I had snuck in a bottle of cognac and no one seemed to know about it.
Of course the Old Timers regalia started late ( must have been the pre-game bingo, but I suppose steady rain may have had something to do with it), so when old scribe Bob Wolff (best known these days for carrying on about high school sports and professional lacrosse since he was jettisoned to the netherlands of News12 Long Island), was announced as MC for the the tardy festivities he was met with a smattering of boos. This despite the fact that he got his start calling Roman Chariot races.
Of course, as in every ceremony, the dreaded $500 dollar words were used by $5.00 people to confuse the low budgets in the stands and more importantly bring a pompous air to the proceedings, with Wolff regaling us with such anamolies as "crafty" (a word which was also stunningly used by
Lisa later in the day) "wily", "superlative" and "renowned." Michael Kay than strolled out and added "propel" to our amusement, topped only by his inotonation of the "Galaxy of Stars" on the field, which seemed a little too peppered by the likes of Oscar Gamble, Jumbo Jim Spencer, Clilff Johnson, and Brian Doyle.
It was surreal and awesome both to see Donnie Baseball and Dave Winfield not only sharing the same stage once again, but batting one after another in the lineup. Of course the touching introductions for these veritable icons was tarnished by a gaggle of oldtimers looking in vain for their seats, which turned out to be nowhere near where they were hovering, which was right in front of us...blocking our view.
Mel Stottlemyre took to the the hill, introduced as "the great pitching coach" causing us to ponder why if he is so great these days, why do we have to keep sending guys down to see Billy Connors in Tampa to right themselves? But it was all in fun.
Early on in the festivities, played at a speed that resembled watching slow motion in slow motion, an overzealous fan snared a ball careening down the line, and from our vantage point in still alcohol free Section 39, it at least looked like he received a stern reprimand from security. For interfering in a relics game???
I mean, I saw the cinematic gem "The Seventh Seal" the other night, (well, actually I was in a state of undress with a lady friend while it was inexplicably on the tv playing in the background), and some Crusader Knight dude played chess against The Angel of Death, and the pieces sliding around on that medieval chess board were not as old as the legends
creeping around on this field.
EDITORS NOTE - can anyone tell me how the movie ended? I was, um, distracted.
Anyway, alll that really happened from here the next two days were intermittent spats of rain. Saturday the rain was pouring down in sheets and everyone herded downstairs like it was the old days and the beer vendor was still down there commandeering the entrance, leaving Teddy to do his flippety flops across the wet seats. Of course he was warned, and stopped, so I took his lead, did it, and was booted. Second booting of the year, and the 8th of my illustrious bleacher career.
Sunday dawned warm and muggy, which made perfect sense as Big Tone Capone and Gang Bang Steve were out at Giants Stadium watching Big Blue open up the season in 80 degree happenstances. That's football weather for you. Of course rain once again wielded its ugly facade, but not before Vegas Dennis gave us a lesson on why Indian women walk around with things piled around on top of their heads. Not to be outdone, I stood up early on and enthralled the crowd by reading excerpts from the inimitable Sesame Street tome of poems - "I Think That Is Wonderful."
Clemens started off dominant that day, setting down the first 9 Twins in order, prompting Larry to yell at the Yanks as we clogged the bases in the 2nd to "hit into a double play!!! Clemens is getting cold!!!" Sure enough, Clemens promptly marched out moments later and saw Mark Canizaro of all people stroke a single to end any and all drama on this peaceful day. If you need any further reports of game action (or want to see Creatures and Creature fans fight or try to get one another
into bed) check out the message board on this wackadoozle website, where Walkman John comes through daily with a next morning report which unlike mine, actually makes sense.
And now, when all esle fails, this series' AWARDS........
WORST WORDS USED IN THE SECTION - "falter" - Big Nose Larry,"scurry" - forgot who said it, but it was said, "rout" - me, "stroked" - Big Nose Larry again
WORST REALIZATION - when Capone saw MTA Joe owned a cell phone and he didn't, he pouted "Now I know I am a bum."
BEST DRESSED - some guy in a Curious George shirt, and me in my "Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beer-holder" cap and conductors flourescent vest, given to me as a gift of admiration from Larry and Lisa.
WORST DRESSED - kid with a shirt on that had a iron-on picture of his family, and the lettering "I Love My Family"
BEST COMPARISON OR ANALOGY - Jose Canseco is slower than evolution. Someone described his sprint as "Glacial."
WORST SIGN - "Who says there is no Justice in New York?" or the ones me and Teddy held up in the rain that were nothing but wet, smudged, cacophonies of rainbows by that point.
BEST QUIP - after Larry said Big Tone Capone would not even fight a 75 year old man, Tone Capone replied "If I had your nose as a weapon, I would.":
THE "UM...OK" AWARD - Jeter came to bat with "Funky Town" as his grand entrance.
BEST LINE HURLED AT A FAT GUY IN THE UPPER DECK - "Hey, if you jumped the game would skip to the 5th inning."
BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT AWARD - goes to "Vegas" Dennis, who told us that more "Hookers come out of Minnesotta than any other state....all blonde, too." Over the weekend he also told us Hindus smell "not cause they do not shower, but because all the curry they eat soaks through their pores", Buffalo Bill got his name by " probably being a guy named Bill who lived in Buffalo" and picket fences are white "because back in those days there were only a couple of colors like black, grey, and white, and they picked white."
Well, this weekend Is Fenway, and be it by bus or whored ride, Creatures will be in house. Nothing like a jolly drunk like me drinking on a bus at 7AM. There should be much drama to report on next week.
And yes. In another sign that we Creatures, like Donahue's fork on Thanksgiving, are all over the place, I woke up just last night from a sex dream and figured it was as good a time as any for a brownie and a cup of milk. So as I imbibed I flipped on Joe Benigno on the FAN as the clock hovered around 3AM. Not only did he drop the reverent Creature name, he specifically mentioned how he would like to "hang out with Milton." Spoken like a true person who has never had that displeasure.
Well, I know this one was "off" - and I don't want to hear it from the likes of YOU - I have way to much going on these days to write a Biblical sort of epic each time out. But with Boston and a week and a half at home ahead, you will be seeing a lot of me but I can not promise I will be sober. You people are more fun when I drink.
Sheriff Tom
The Sanity Assassin
SEPTEMBER 2, 2000
And next thing you know it's September. I strolled into Joseph Yancey park on the 1st, cradling my Doc Otis and gnawing on a beef jerky, only to see the affable Pops holding court by my fence. But he came bearing gifts! He had not one, but TWO new Sheriffs badges for the esteemable me, the old silver kind that Big Joe was able to garner straight from the Alamo staff when they were not trying to keep guys like Ozzy Osbourne from peeing on the walls.
I am sure it is only a matter of time before that hooligan Mia is up to her old tricks again and breaks these ones all to Hell, like she did the original one that bought everyone else so much joy. So Pops, a man who actually left the section because he could not put up with the beer ban (most others just leave cause they can't put up with me) is tops. Or at least in the middle of the pack. We were playing the Twins that night, but the talk between sips and puffs was the Red Sucks. Everyone calls Clemens a headhunter cause of the Piazza thing (Hell, I just think he is a guy with exceptionally good aim) but keep in
> mind Pedro Martinez has walked only 27 men or so while hitting 17. The Sox traded for Bichette that day, which was as earth-shattering as acquiring a cube of ice to put in a glass of fruit punch.. Ted Williams, Yaz, Rice, Lynn...Bichette. Yeah, ok.
Once inside the regular hoopla was going on on the scoreboard, all bells and whistles, and Big Nose Larry grumbled that he could never seeany of it from our vantage point. Donahue, always one for the cheap laugh, retorted "then put your nose down." The crowd was small and tepid, causing us to muse that the place simply amounts to "crying babies" these days. Whatever happened to our oomph?
This night had been proclaimed weeks ago by the bleacher denizens as NFL night, when the regulars were all going to bedeck in their favoriteteam jerseys and argue and wrangle about it all night. Anything for Grover to bring out his Chicago Bears Rashaan Salaam jersey, I suppose. But he forgot (actually, he went as far as forgetting to even come to the game,yet alone wear the jersey) as did everyone but Big Tone Capone, who sported his Giant colors, which worked like mourning clothes as people spent the entire night coming up to him offering consolations..
During batting practice Denny Hocking sought out the mysterious keepers of the bleacher flame (the ones who still watch that sort of thing instead of getting drunk or high in some park) and pleaded that we chant his name in an abridged one-man road team roll call. And when contract terms were negotiated and we did just that, he recompensed us by posing,
jaw in air, like The Peoples Champion (but not these people - Tazz for life), the Rock.
Larry and crew were at it again, calling Matt Lawton "Subway" from some references he made when the Creatures invaded Minnesotta last year. It was constant chants of "Subway sucks!!" This prompted me to think
about how if Lawton had shared a field with roly poly Kirby Puckett, the Twins would have had "Subway" and "Blimpie" on the same field. DISCLAIMER - What is actually worse than that joke, and it sucks, is the scary fact that I only came up with it about 5 days later listening to a game on the radio.
The game plodded along. Posada whiffed in the 1st, marking the 5th time in a row we had seen him K at the Stadium, following his artful performance of the entrancing "Golden Sombrero" . We promptly dubbed 5 whiffs in a row as the "Platinum Sombrero" and Posada the King of it's
domain. One comic moment was Cuban Monica transforming into Little League Mom, yelling "DIg, dig, dig!!!!" as Bernie haphazardly tried to beat a throw from second. I was at my confused best, scrawling in a "MO" (mystery out) for O'neill in the first as I did not see the applicable play unfold. Only problem was it was not an out at all, yet alone a mystery one, as he hit a HOME RUN. Yet I still do not remember it, and I was sober.
We saw the introduction of a new feature the security schmoes and the crooked cops can use to have a laugh at our expense - the "Penalty Box." Big Tone was sent down for 10 minutes for carrying on with bombast, and Gang Bang was forced to spend some time down there as well. The box, near as I can tell, is in the sanctity of the lobby area by the taco stand.
The next day was Old-TImers Day, the only time you can find anything older than our jokes inside the place. I knew we were in for a long day when I noticed scattered around my person no less than 4 guys wearing shirts of pinkish hue, and they were all different shades. I smiled to myself at that oddity, and the fact that I had snuck in a bottle of cognac and no one seemed to know about it.
Of course the Old Timers regalia started late ( must have been the pre-game bingo, but I suppose steady rain may have had something to do with it), so when old scribe Bob Wolff (best known these days for carrying on about high school sports and professional lacrosse since he was jettisoned to the netherlands of News12 Long Island), was announced as MC for the the tardy festivities he was met with a smattering of boos. This despite the fact that he got his start calling Roman Chariot races.
Of course, as in every ceremony, the dreaded $500 dollar words were used by $5.00 people to confuse the low budgets in the stands and more importantly bring a pompous air to the proceedings, with Wolff regaling us with such anamolies as "crafty" (a word which was also stunningly used by
Lisa later in the day) "wily", "superlative" and "renowned." Michael Kay than strolled out and added "propel" to our amusement, topped only by his inotonation of the "Galaxy of Stars" on the field, which seemed a little too peppered by the likes of Oscar Gamble, Jumbo Jim Spencer, Clilff Johnson, and Brian Doyle.
It was surreal and awesome both to see Donnie Baseball and Dave Winfield not only sharing the same stage once again, but batting one after another in the lineup. Of course the touching introductions for these veritable icons was tarnished by a gaggle of oldtimers looking in vain for their seats, which turned out to be nowhere near where they were hovering, which was right in front of us...blocking our view.
Mel Stottlemyre took to the the hill, introduced as "the great pitching coach" causing us to ponder why if he is so great these days, why do we have to keep sending guys down to see Billy Connors in Tampa to right themselves? But it was all in fun.
Early on in the festivities, played at a speed that resembled watching slow motion in slow motion, an overzealous fan snared a ball careening down the line, and from our vantage point in still alcohol free Section 39, it at least looked like he received a stern reprimand from security. For interfering in a relics game???
I mean, I saw the cinematic gem "The Seventh Seal" the other night, (well, actually I was in a state of undress with a lady friend while it was inexplicably on the tv playing in the background), and some Crusader Knight dude played chess against The Angel of Death, and the pieces sliding around on that medieval chess board were not as old as the legends
creeping around on this field.
EDITORS NOTE - can anyone tell me how the movie ended? I was, um, distracted.
Anyway, alll that really happened from here the next two days were intermittent spats of rain. Saturday the rain was pouring down in sheets and everyone herded downstairs like it was the old days and the beer vendor was still down there commandeering the entrance, leaving Teddy to do his flippety flops across the wet seats. Of course he was warned, and stopped, so I took his lead, did it, and was booted. Second booting of the year, and the 8th of my illustrious bleacher career.
Sunday dawned warm and muggy, which made perfect sense as Big Tone Capone and Gang Bang Steve were out at Giants Stadium watching Big Blue open up the season in 80 degree happenstances. That's football weather for you. Of course rain once again wielded its ugly facade, but not before Vegas Dennis gave us a lesson on why Indian women walk around with things piled around on top of their heads. Not to be outdone, I stood up early on and enthralled the crowd by reading excerpts from the inimitable Sesame Street tome of poems - "I Think That Is Wonderful."
Clemens started off dominant that day, setting down the first 9 Twins in order, prompting Larry to yell at the Yanks as we clogged the bases in the 2nd to "hit into a double play!!! Clemens is getting cold!!!" Sure enough, Clemens promptly marched out moments later and saw Mark Canizaro of all people stroke a single to end any and all drama on this peaceful day. If you need any further reports of game action (or want to see Creatures and Creature fans fight or try to get one another
into bed) check out the message board on this wackadoozle website, where Walkman John comes through daily with a next morning report which unlike mine, actually makes sense.
And now, when all esle fails, this series' AWARDS........
WORST WORDS USED IN THE SECTION - "falter" - Big Nose Larry,"scurry" - forgot who said it, but it was said, "rout" - me, "stroked" - Big Nose Larry again
WORST REALIZATION - when Capone saw MTA Joe owned a cell phone and he didn't, he pouted "Now I know I am a bum."
BEST DRESSED - some guy in a Curious George shirt, and me in my "Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beer-holder" cap and conductors flourescent vest, given to me as a gift of admiration from Larry and Lisa.
WORST DRESSED - kid with a shirt on that had a iron-on picture of his family, and the lettering "I Love My Family"
BEST COMPARISON OR ANALOGY - Jose Canseco is slower than evolution. Someone described his sprint as "Glacial."
WORST SIGN - "Who says there is no Justice in New York?" or the ones me and Teddy held up in the rain that were nothing but wet, smudged, cacophonies of rainbows by that point.
BEST QUIP - after Larry said Big Tone Capone would not even fight a 75 year old man, Tone Capone replied "If I had your nose as a weapon, I would.":
THE "UM...OK" AWARD - Jeter came to bat with "Funky Town" as his grand entrance.
BEST LINE HURLED AT A FAT GUY IN THE UPPER DECK - "Hey, if you jumped the game would skip to the 5th inning."
BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT AWARD - goes to "Vegas" Dennis, who told us that more "Hookers come out of Minnesotta than any other state....all blonde, too." Over the weekend he also told us Hindus smell "not cause they do not shower, but because all the curry they eat soaks through their pores", Buffalo Bill got his name by " probably being a guy named Bill who lived in Buffalo" and picket fences are white "because back in those days there were only a couple of colors like black, grey, and white, and they picked white."
Well, this weekend Is Fenway, and be it by bus or whored ride, Creatures will be in house. Nothing like a jolly drunk like me drinking on a bus at 7AM. There should be much drama to report on next week.
And yes. In another sign that we Creatures, like Donahue's fork on Thanksgiving, are all over the place, I woke up just last night from a sex dream and figured it was as good a time as any for a brownie and a cup of milk. So as I imbibed I flipped on Joe Benigno on the FAN as the clock hovered around 3AM. Not only did he drop the reverent Creature name, he specifically mentioned how he would like to "hang out with Milton." Spoken like a true person who has never had that displeasure.
Well, I know this one was "off" - and I don't want to hear it from the likes of YOU - I have way to much going on these days to write a Biblical sort of epic each time out. But with Boston and a week and a half at home ahead, you will be seeing a lot of me but I can not promise I will be sober. You people are more fun when I drink.
Sheriff Tom
The Sanity Assassin
