Post by MSBNYY on Aug 25, 2006 13:21:52 GMT -5
Marc’s Trip to Toronto
By MetsSuckBalls
To all who are about to read this column: sit back, relax, find a comfy chair, and get ready to read what may be the longest column this site has seen. You may want to set your monitors to 1024X768 pixels so you can read this better. You may want to cut and paste it into a text file, and open it in Word. You may want to read this in more than one sitting. I just spent 3 days in Toronto with the now internationally famous Yankee Stadium Bleacher Creatures, and there are a lot of stories to tell. I found this trip enormously entertaining and fun (it didn’t hurt that we outscored the Blue Jays 30-5), and hopefully, this column will fill in some details for those who couldn’t make it. And to those who missed out, I hope you can come next year. I said come.
PRE TRIP—
Before I say anything else, I have to give out my first acknowledgement to John “Kwik” Kwiker. This man arranged the whole thing. The planning for this trip started about seven months ago, when Kwik collected the money at common Bleacher hangout Down The Hatch. Back then, I had only seen Kwik on the occasions we went to the same game. I hadn’t really talked to him until then, and I only decided to go to Toronto on the spur of the moment when Sheriff Tom smacked me on the shoulder and said to myself and Ignorant Evan, “you guys are going to Toronto, right?” That was actually the first I heard of the trip, and since I don’t plan my weekends 8 months in advance, I thought, “what the heck,” and we decided to go.
So about a week later we had the money drop at the Hatch, and I talked with Kwik for awhile about it. Not only did Kwik collect the money, he got us all seats together. Not only were they together, they were in right field, behind the Yankee bullpen, and of course, the Toronto right fielder. But not only did Kwik do that, he also booked about 9 rooms in the Skydome hotel itself. This trip went as smoothly as possible, and Kwik deserves a lot of credit for that.
And before I continue, I promised him that if I wrote one of these columns, I would make a plea for anyone who finds it to return his House of Lancaster T-shirt.
Anyway, the months passed, the season started, the Yanks assumed their normal position in first place, Kwik gave out the tickets, and July came around, and it was time to go to Toronto.
FRIDAY—
Most of the people on this trip used the same travel agent. Despite the fact that everyone else, including the websites, were charging prices ranging from $500-$900 for the flight (depending on how close to the trip you booked), this agent held the price at $188.75 the whole time. Laurie gave me the agent, and I in turn gave it to 41 and Cuban Monica. Despite the game starting at 7pm, since I booked later, the only flight I could get to Toronto was the 7am flight out of Newark.
I got up at 4am that morning, and met Ignorant Evan for a car to the airport at 5am. The only other person we knew on the flight was 41, who got there at the last minute. After a 40 minute delay, the plane took off, and an hour later, we touched down in Toronto.
Customs proved to be an adventure. 41 didn’t have a birth certificate, so he was given the third degree (which in the Canada is the 4.5th degree). Apparently, he was consistently asked questions of why he was in Canada, and he said it felt like being pulled over by a cop.
41 was delayed about 15 minutes, while I was learning about the Canadian precautions against foot and mouth disease. A sign said we weren’t allowed to go to a Canadian farm for 14 days, and we had to walk across some special disinfectant mat. I moonwalked on the thing.
The three of us took a bus to the hotel. 41, who was in Toronto last year, led the way, and as we got to the lobby, we immediately saw Sheriff Tom, Gangbang Steve, Baloo, and Mike sitting on a bench drinking beer. Kwik, “Make it Happen” Phil, and Debbie were inside.
Tom, Steve, Mike, and Baloo had driven up. Immediately, we were treated to stories of crossing the border. Tom said, they were asked questions about whether they were carrying firearms, alcohol, drugs, and other stuff. Though I wasn’t there, I can picture the conversation as follows:
Border Lady: Do you have anything to declare?
Mike: I would like to declare war.
Baloo: I would like to declare that Canada is now part of the United States.
Sheriff Tom: I would like to declare that today is Canadian “Have Sex With Tom” Day.
Steve: I would like to declare that these jokes suck.
Border Lady: Do you have any firearms?
Steve: Nothing worth bragging about.
Tom: No, but I have a fire in my pants, for you.
You get the point. The rooms weren’t ready at that point, but I went in anyway. They let me into the room. My room only had one bed, and since I only had 1 roommate, I just had a cot brought up, and took the room. The other guys waited for 2 bed rooms.
At this point, it was time to eat, and it was at this point that I found my Toronto home away from home. Ignorant Evan and I wandered the streets of Toronto looking for food. We stumbled across a place called East Side Mario’s. As we sat down, I noticed something strangely familiar about the place. Turns out, it was a NYC theme restaurant. What were we, moths to a flame?
Then, I noticed the waitresses. Coming toward us was one of the most amazing looking women I have ever seen—the best damn waitress in Canada, Amy G. Calling this woman beautiful would not do her justice. My jaw is still sore from when it hit the floor. They had to bring out a mop for my drool. All that, and they actually served food! The food was good too. It didn’t take long for me to decide to eat every meal there. I went there 4 times in 48 hours, and spent the rest of the time there talking about the place.
Naturally, Amy couldn’t say no to an American, so we spent the rest of the weekend (with the exception of the games) making out and pleasuring each other in all sorts of fashions. Those Canadian women are crazy! And of course, I had to do it for our country. So I raised the flagpole for the good old USA.
Actually, the events in the preceding paragraph did not happen. But it is my column, damn it.
Amy was actually as nice as she was attractive. After asking her if all the Canadian women looked like her, and asking about things to do in Toronto, she actually went outside and found some sort of “what to do in Toronto” newspaper for us. The rumors about Canadian politeness are true.
Once I was able to stand up without causing attention (if you know what I mean), Evan and I still had hours to kill before the game. Using the paper that Amy gave us, we came to the decision to do something that can only be done in Canada. Thus, we saw Planet of the Apes. The movie itself wasn’t that bad, though I wasn’t a big fan of the surprise ending. I won’t do a review here. If you want that, then go talk to Gene Siskel. I realize he is dead, but it’s not like he’s any more on point now than he was when he was alive. The only thing I will say about that is that the price was $7.50 Canadian, which is $5.00 American. So if you’re looking to see a cheap movie, I suggest flying to Toronto.
After the movie, we still had some time to kill before the game, so we did the exciting thing, and watched TV in the room.
Now it was time for the main event. Yanks v. Toronto, 7pm start.
I like to get to games early. Just settle in the seat, and watch BP. It was interesting going to a stadium and NOT being searched. It was nice to have a back on my seat, and not to worry about some one-timer making me move.
Bald Vinny, Debbie, and Jimmy were there when I arrived at my seat. Soriano was taking BP, and we started talking about his swing. I made a smartass comment about Soriano’s warning track power. Soriano made a jackass out of me by hitting 2 HR, a triple off the wall, and driving in 8 runs over the weekend. Did I call that or what? Thanks to Vinny for consistently reminding me of the statement throughout the weekend. However, in my defense, the ball travels better in Canada.
As the game time drew nearer, more and more people arrived. Laurie, Milton, Evan, Phil, 41, Brian, Mike, Sheriff Tom, Bald Ray, Kwik, Baloo, Uptown Mike, Weird Paul, and everyone who I am forgetting, all arrived by the Anthem. The National Anthem went the same as it does at the Stadium. It’s ashame Capone couldn’t make it. It would have been fun to hear him lend his vocal talents to the Canadians. Of course, we all screamed banner at the appropriate time.
Then they played Oh Canada. Naturally, a bunch of us couldn’t resist the chance to perform Oh Kennedy. The first place Yankees chant was on, and the Creatures were in the house.
In the bottom of the first, the roll call debate began. Most wanted to do it, though some felt that doing it bothered the players, since it would be showing up the opposing team. Bernie, Knoblauch, O’Neill, and Soriano waved (though quickly), and Tino, Jeter and Brosius did not acknowledge. Sterling and Kaye did however give the wave.
And the game rocked. Toronto took a 1-0 lead on a HR to right. The only good thing about this is that it got Vinny on TV. Milton brought out the cowbell and it brought the team good luck. It seemed like everytime he banged that thing (I said banged), they put up 3 runs. The Creatures did their normal chants, but it was intensified because of better acoustics, and the fact that we were all psyched up. We had close access to the Yankee bullpen, and at times, we could see Mendoza and Rivera putting their heads down and biting their lips they were laughing so hard. And Mondesi of course was greeted in true Bronx style. As he did in NY, he grabbed his crotch. Maybe someday he will find something. Chants of “Shawn Green’s better,” horse’s ass, and most of the usual stuff were done. Bald Ray, Make It Happen Phil, and Milton were cursing out Mondesi in Spanish. Not wanting to be outdone, Tom screamed “LUCHA LIBRE” at the top of his lungs. This prompted me to use my Spanish speaking skills with statements like, “donde esta EL biblioteca,” “El burro es grande,” and of course, “Cual es son los dias de la semana?” Phil was begging us to stop butchering his language.
Then I inadvertently made my first semi-major contribution to the bleachers. Bald Ray, Milton and Phil were singing some song in Spanish that an English speaking person like myself couldn’t understand. In response, I shouted out the first song that came into my head. The song? When the Saints Go Marching In. To my delight, within seconds, it stuck, and the creatures put their unique spin on it. Gangbang added trombone sounds, spontaneous stomping and grunting found its way into the mix, and before you know it, 30 grown people were jumping up and down rocking the Skydome with the classic tune. Hopefully, there will be a performance at the Stadium soon.
We ended up winning the game 9-1. Steve led a rousing rendition of Gangbang in the bottom of the 9th, and after the game, we sang New York, New York, and Milton led us out with the cowbell, and we were all giddy with mayhem and silliness. Great opening day. We all went our separate ways that night.
The only thing of note that night concerned Tom’s cellphone. Seems that while he was preparing to go out, the inevitable happened. The cellphone was dropped in the toilet. Laurie eventually lent him her phone, with Tom switching cards, but Tom’s phone became the first phone to die by drowning.
That’s it for Friday. Tune in next time for Toronto adventures, part II: Phil Gets Mad.
By MetsSuckBalls
To all who are about to read this column: sit back, relax, find a comfy chair, and get ready to read what may be the longest column this site has seen. You may want to set your monitors to 1024X768 pixels so you can read this better. You may want to cut and paste it into a text file, and open it in Word. You may want to read this in more than one sitting. I just spent 3 days in Toronto with the now internationally famous Yankee Stadium Bleacher Creatures, and there are a lot of stories to tell. I found this trip enormously entertaining and fun (it didn’t hurt that we outscored the Blue Jays 30-5), and hopefully, this column will fill in some details for those who couldn’t make it. And to those who missed out, I hope you can come next year. I said come.
PRE TRIP—
Before I say anything else, I have to give out my first acknowledgement to John “Kwik” Kwiker. This man arranged the whole thing. The planning for this trip started about seven months ago, when Kwik collected the money at common Bleacher hangout Down The Hatch. Back then, I had only seen Kwik on the occasions we went to the same game. I hadn’t really talked to him until then, and I only decided to go to Toronto on the spur of the moment when Sheriff Tom smacked me on the shoulder and said to myself and Ignorant Evan, “you guys are going to Toronto, right?” That was actually the first I heard of the trip, and since I don’t plan my weekends 8 months in advance, I thought, “what the heck,” and we decided to go.
So about a week later we had the money drop at the Hatch, and I talked with Kwik for awhile about it. Not only did Kwik collect the money, he got us all seats together. Not only were they together, they were in right field, behind the Yankee bullpen, and of course, the Toronto right fielder. But not only did Kwik do that, he also booked about 9 rooms in the Skydome hotel itself. This trip went as smoothly as possible, and Kwik deserves a lot of credit for that.
And before I continue, I promised him that if I wrote one of these columns, I would make a plea for anyone who finds it to return his House of Lancaster T-shirt.
Anyway, the months passed, the season started, the Yanks assumed their normal position in first place, Kwik gave out the tickets, and July came around, and it was time to go to Toronto.
FRIDAY—
Most of the people on this trip used the same travel agent. Despite the fact that everyone else, including the websites, were charging prices ranging from $500-$900 for the flight (depending on how close to the trip you booked), this agent held the price at $188.75 the whole time. Laurie gave me the agent, and I in turn gave it to 41 and Cuban Monica. Despite the game starting at 7pm, since I booked later, the only flight I could get to Toronto was the 7am flight out of Newark.
I got up at 4am that morning, and met Ignorant Evan for a car to the airport at 5am. The only other person we knew on the flight was 41, who got there at the last minute. After a 40 minute delay, the plane took off, and an hour later, we touched down in Toronto.
Customs proved to be an adventure. 41 didn’t have a birth certificate, so he was given the third degree (which in the Canada is the 4.5th degree). Apparently, he was consistently asked questions of why he was in Canada, and he said it felt like being pulled over by a cop.
41 was delayed about 15 minutes, while I was learning about the Canadian precautions against foot and mouth disease. A sign said we weren’t allowed to go to a Canadian farm for 14 days, and we had to walk across some special disinfectant mat. I moonwalked on the thing.
The three of us took a bus to the hotel. 41, who was in Toronto last year, led the way, and as we got to the lobby, we immediately saw Sheriff Tom, Gangbang Steve, Baloo, and Mike sitting on a bench drinking beer. Kwik, “Make it Happen” Phil, and Debbie were inside.
Tom, Steve, Mike, and Baloo had driven up. Immediately, we were treated to stories of crossing the border. Tom said, they were asked questions about whether they were carrying firearms, alcohol, drugs, and other stuff. Though I wasn’t there, I can picture the conversation as follows:
Border Lady: Do you have anything to declare?
Mike: I would like to declare war.
Baloo: I would like to declare that Canada is now part of the United States.
Sheriff Tom: I would like to declare that today is Canadian “Have Sex With Tom” Day.
Steve: I would like to declare that these jokes suck.
Border Lady: Do you have any firearms?
Steve: Nothing worth bragging about.
Tom: No, but I have a fire in my pants, for you.
You get the point. The rooms weren’t ready at that point, but I went in anyway. They let me into the room. My room only had one bed, and since I only had 1 roommate, I just had a cot brought up, and took the room. The other guys waited for 2 bed rooms.
At this point, it was time to eat, and it was at this point that I found my Toronto home away from home. Ignorant Evan and I wandered the streets of Toronto looking for food. We stumbled across a place called East Side Mario’s. As we sat down, I noticed something strangely familiar about the place. Turns out, it was a NYC theme restaurant. What were we, moths to a flame?
Then, I noticed the waitresses. Coming toward us was one of the most amazing looking women I have ever seen—the best damn waitress in Canada, Amy G. Calling this woman beautiful would not do her justice. My jaw is still sore from when it hit the floor. They had to bring out a mop for my drool. All that, and they actually served food! The food was good too. It didn’t take long for me to decide to eat every meal there. I went there 4 times in 48 hours, and spent the rest of the time there talking about the place.
Naturally, Amy couldn’t say no to an American, so we spent the rest of the weekend (with the exception of the games) making out and pleasuring each other in all sorts of fashions. Those Canadian women are crazy! And of course, I had to do it for our country. So I raised the flagpole for the good old USA.
Actually, the events in the preceding paragraph did not happen. But it is my column, damn it.
Amy was actually as nice as she was attractive. After asking her if all the Canadian women looked like her, and asking about things to do in Toronto, she actually went outside and found some sort of “what to do in Toronto” newspaper for us. The rumors about Canadian politeness are true.
Once I was able to stand up without causing attention (if you know what I mean), Evan and I still had hours to kill before the game. Using the paper that Amy gave us, we came to the decision to do something that can only be done in Canada. Thus, we saw Planet of the Apes. The movie itself wasn’t that bad, though I wasn’t a big fan of the surprise ending. I won’t do a review here. If you want that, then go talk to Gene Siskel. I realize he is dead, but it’s not like he’s any more on point now than he was when he was alive. The only thing I will say about that is that the price was $7.50 Canadian, which is $5.00 American. So if you’re looking to see a cheap movie, I suggest flying to Toronto.
After the movie, we still had some time to kill before the game, so we did the exciting thing, and watched TV in the room.
Now it was time for the main event. Yanks v. Toronto, 7pm start.
I like to get to games early. Just settle in the seat, and watch BP. It was interesting going to a stadium and NOT being searched. It was nice to have a back on my seat, and not to worry about some one-timer making me move.
Bald Vinny, Debbie, and Jimmy were there when I arrived at my seat. Soriano was taking BP, and we started talking about his swing. I made a smartass comment about Soriano’s warning track power. Soriano made a jackass out of me by hitting 2 HR, a triple off the wall, and driving in 8 runs over the weekend. Did I call that or what? Thanks to Vinny for consistently reminding me of the statement throughout the weekend. However, in my defense, the ball travels better in Canada.
As the game time drew nearer, more and more people arrived. Laurie, Milton, Evan, Phil, 41, Brian, Mike, Sheriff Tom, Bald Ray, Kwik, Baloo, Uptown Mike, Weird Paul, and everyone who I am forgetting, all arrived by the Anthem. The National Anthem went the same as it does at the Stadium. It’s ashame Capone couldn’t make it. It would have been fun to hear him lend his vocal talents to the Canadians. Of course, we all screamed banner at the appropriate time.
Then they played Oh Canada. Naturally, a bunch of us couldn’t resist the chance to perform Oh Kennedy. The first place Yankees chant was on, and the Creatures were in the house.
In the bottom of the first, the roll call debate began. Most wanted to do it, though some felt that doing it bothered the players, since it would be showing up the opposing team. Bernie, Knoblauch, O’Neill, and Soriano waved (though quickly), and Tino, Jeter and Brosius did not acknowledge. Sterling and Kaye did however give the wave.
And the game rocked. Toronto took a 1-0 lead on a HR to right. The only good thing about this is that it got Vinny on TV. Milton brought out the cowbell and it brought the team good luck. It seemed like everytime he banged that thing (I said banged), they put up 3 runs. The Creatures did their normal chants, but it was intensified because of better acoustics, and the fact that we were all psyched up. We had close access to the Yankee bullpen, and at times, we could see Mendoza and Rivera putting their heads down and biting their lips they were laughing so hard. And Mondesi of course was greeted in true Bronx style. As he did in NY, he grabbed his crotch. Maybe someday he will find something. Chants of “Shawn Green’s better,” horse’s ass, and most of the usual stuff were done. Bald Ray, Make It Happen Phil, and Milton were cursing out Mondesi in Spanish. Not wanting to be outdone, Tom screamed “LUCHA LIBRE” at the top of his lungs. This prompted me to use my Spanish speaking skills with statements like, “donde esta EL biblioteca,” “El burro es grande,” and of course, “Cual es son los dias de la semana?” Phil was begging us to stop butchering his language.
Then I inadvertently made my first semi-major contribution to the bleachers. Bald Ray, Milton and Phil were singing some song in Spanish that an English speaking person like myself couldn’t understand. In response, I shouted out the first song that came into my head. The song? When the Saints Go Marching In. To my delight, within seconds, it stuck, and the creatures put their unique spin on it. Gangbang added trombone sounds, spontaneous stomping and grunting found its way into the mix, and before you know it, 30 grown people were jumping up and down rocking the Skydome with the classic tune. Hopefully, there will be a performance at the Stadium soon.
We ended up winning the game 9-1. Steve led a rousing rendition of Gangbang in the bottom of the 9th, and after the game, we sang New York, New York, and Milton led us out with the cowbell, and we were all giddy with mayhem and silliness. Great opening day. We all went our separate ways that night.
The only thing of note that night concerned Tom’s cellphone. Seems that while he was preparing to go out, the inevitable happened. The cellphone was dropped in the toilet. Laurie eventually lent him her phone, with Tom switching cards, but Tom’s phone became the first phone to die by drowning.
That’s it for Friday. Tune in next time for Toronto adventures, part II: Phil Gets Mad.