Post by MSBNYY on Aug 25, 2006 14:15:03 GMT -5
THURS-
After an evening of softball practice in Central park and an agonizing
last gasp defeat, I went home back to Queens on the subway with Larry and Christina to
finish packing my bag for the long weekend and to watch the end of the Yanks vs Brewers game
in MIlwaukee.
Kwik called and said he was going out to Long Island to drop off George
Herman and then would be coming back to Astoria to crash at my house as there is Dunkin Donuts
on my street and it's rather close to LaGuardia.
When he said that he'd be back around 11, I knew the phone
wouldn't ring until after midnight. Sure enough Four One's Car Service
drops Kwik off at 1:40 am Thurs at my door.
We went outside to drink a beer and I gave my him last PBR and I
cracked open one of my new microbrews from my club. I ended up dumping it in the bushes b/c it
tasted like asparagus rat piss and drank half of his PBR...
After 3 or 4 hours of sleep, 104.3 on the radio was set for 5:45 am and
kwik's "Halloween" ring tone followed shortly after. It was time to sit on a broken
refridgerator outside my apartment to smoke a cigarette, take in the smells of Tierras
Colombianas dumpsters in the AM, have a cup of coffee, and call The New Ecuadorian Car Service to take us to Laguardia for some beer and some baseball.
After a smooth flight on Northwestern, and a connection in Minneapolis,
I upped my state counter on bathrooms that I've taken a shit in all over the world soon
after I ate a Whopper at the airport Burger King...That Burger King would later
provide for a dash to the loo in St. Louis as well. Check...Check...
Once that was handled, a rather large circle around the Airport was
made until the Metrolink station could be found and I remarked that 'this place just
looks like AIRPORT, USA'....Kwik retorted..."yeah, and that would be in Anytown, USA'.
After wasting $4 to have a wonka-like golden ticket not collected by
any sort of transit authority on the metrolink (same ticket would cost 1.75 on monday for
some odd reason) and a quick ride where everyone that got on was wearing a fast food uniform
or a du-rag, we exited at "STADIUM" to hopefully find that just, a Marriot, and some
beer at the PITCHERS sports bar in the lobby.
We quickly noticed a trend in St. Louis. There were lots of people that
looked like Terrance from Burns Security and a tally quickly began to form. It was later abandoned as they
counts seemed to be getting too high.
After bumming around there in the sluggish heat, we went to four-tiered
empty shopping mall that consisted of only a Sbarros, a Walgreens, and a Famous Barr
department store where I bought pool shorts in the Arsenal colors and Kwik purchased some short
sets, a hawaiian shirt that he proclaimed he would 'actually wear in the outside world' , and a
pair of white sneakers b/c he left his at home.
We also stopped at a grocery store which we instantly called 'bodega'.
Some guy who slept in a barn and smelled like bison shit told Kwik to buy 'Camo 24 lager'
at 8.5 % alcohol and went on to explain the fine points and technicalities between that and
it's sister beverage, CAMO 24 SILVER . Not only did we get that, but other beers
purchased were Stag Lager and Ojos Malos Ale. I picked up a 12 of BUD just in case the
taste test didnt work out...In fact it never happened.
The pool back at the hotel much to our chagrin was taken over by 6 or
so travelling Yankee fans drinking Bud Light and getting reprimanded by the drealocked pool
staff. Either someone had better take out a deck of cards or this pool area looks
like a gay bathhouse.
By this point there were rumors filtering out of NY that we had both run into Nelly in St. Louis and that we were going to his concert that night. Also, there was another rumor started by THEDEVER that I had been with a woman who's genitalia resembled a heap of roast beef. None of which were true and I was sorry to spoil TONE516's party with the bad news.
On that note, it was time to meet up with Ryan and the Lovely Jamie at
The Trainwreck Tavern at St. Louis' premier boozing section of town, Lacledes Landing.
After dinner and a dousing rain and hearing their stories about their road
trip through Indiana and an armless woman in a gas station, we met Vinny at the Hooters
Rip-off joint, "Show-Me's", to grab more beers and play pornographic foto-hunt on the
megatouch machine. Club Buca would follow which sucked on Thursdays, except for the fact that we saw a Grover-esque Missourian complete with walk.
D-Train Dave from the Roadtrip chimes in with a text on Vinny's
batphone to go to the Big Bang piano bar. It wasnt long before we had slurped down quite a few
shots of JD and some fresh budwesier and had Michele Beadle and Christa dancing to
Havah-Negilah. The pianist proclaimed that he only did it to see the 'jews go wild'. Ray also kept whistling above the music.
They soon closed the doors and it was back to the Marriot for a close
to a largely strangeday in Anytown, USA.
FRIDAY -
"Brownstone 39" flashed on the Motorola as I arose from the bed at
around 9:30 am and after informing him of the Metrolink, he was there in no time...except me,
kwik, and Rose who had just arrived were already at the Gateway Arch riding in an elevator pod
with two Koreans who I introduced myself to and everyone else followed in suit. Odd
enough was the fact that Kwik had just remarked in the waiting area that there were too many
gooks there already.
Holy shit it was hot that day. My hangover from the Big Bang Piano Bar
and my lack of shower were both doing me no favors as we struggled to take some photos
under this bizarre structure. I just ended up lying in the grass wondering 2 things: why
the fuck this thing was ever built and where the hell was TONE516?.. because I needed to
get back on the drink.
We had breakfast with him a few hours ago and now he was MIA, probably
sleeping b/c he went to Caprice in Astoria the night before to listen to speed metal and
drink, then straight to LGA. So we walked back to Pitchers to meet Brownie and Suzy. They had
just arrrived in from Phildelphia and we wanted to squash any idea that Brownie was pissed off that we didnt wait for him b/c kwik was in 'controlling vacation mode' as Rose called it and wanted to sightsee before too many gooks showed up.
Back in the room, we kicked off the opening night festivities in which
everyone showed up while I was in the shower and immediately bugged out at our newly
purchased Hip Hop pimp education snack chips and Camo24 selections. Tone516 finally showed up
with Navy Tommy and Lumpy Sam, Vinny with Rose, and CT Jesse with what seemed to be Uptown
Mike, Midget Mike,Dan APOS, Ryan161, Jamie, RookieKevin and Mrs.RookieKevin.
We were packed to the gills with people and would soon be in the
stadium drinking $9 beers and peeling Navy Tommy off of Michele Beadle who was buying him beers
and not me after she promised a next round to all..perhaps she should have checked his ID. I
think she only bought him a beer b/c he lied and told her that 'Ultimate Road Trip" is
shown on some military station and that they all watch the show on the USS Iwo-Jima.
He surely buttered her up with that statement as she not only believed it, he had a fresh
beer in hand and her phone number.
The fans at Busch Stadium weren't too bad, except for us as there were
quite a few midwesterners who got upset at Jim Edmonds being a horses ass. Bernie
also waved at us but I dont think he knew which direction to wave in as he just gave a wave
of the hand over the shoulder and we were way up in the SRO by the World Series flags.
Shit game overall. I don't even remember the score but I know we scored a single run.
I don't really remember all of what happened directly after the game
either except that I somehow ended up with Ryan and Jamie and a full $9 beer out on the
sidewalk. Sitting on a construction barrier we must have talked about all sorts of things as
their sober minds must have wondered how i spilled brew all over my #4 train shirt and where they could deposit me and go on with their night..
I must have walked across the street and seen kwik sqwawking into his
phone and smoking Parliaments in and amongst the red-clad homwtown fans b/c before I knew
it, Lumpy Sam tried to drag me into a minivan with him, Tone516, Tommy, and Jesse to go to
East St. Louis but I didn't go . ]
Later on, I was in the lobby with midget mike and kwik when they
came back with 2 women in tow, one of which ^%&^*^* said was his wife for
the evening and that they would be getting a divorce come daylight. We were later to
find out that they were just drug slut monster whores looking for handouts, a hit, and
some beer. I don't know if they got anything to be honest.
I do know that Navy Tommy took his dick out in the club during a lap
dance and was then ejected.
SATURDAY -
As we anxiously awaited results from Tone and %^$#@'s conquest me,
kwik, and brownie looked for a place to eat breakfast as nobody served a plain and simple egg
sandwich. They only had bacon by the pound and passion fruit bagels. Perhaps this explained
the bulging waistlines in midwest metropolis. I did remark that in a town as backwards as
this that they did have Grover's favorite Czechvar Ale in one of the stops.
Since the diner was shut and only open on weekdays, we ended up back at the St. Louis Bread Co and I had a spinach and egg pie and a coke. Meanwhile, back in the lobby, heads were beginnging to assemble for a trip to the Bud facility to take a tour.
As we all jumped in 3 minivan cabs, Brownstone was left on the
curb carless so he forcefully pushed his way into the third and POS Dan
was entirely leftright across the street as we had left him behind in out haste to drink cold
beer in the tap rooms and see the legendary clydesdales. Finally, Dan arrived as his cab
went down believe it or not Arsenal Street and dropped him off at the tour site with us.
As we strolled through the Beechwood Aging wing of the plant, photos
were strictly banned.
It was freezing in there and a nice relief from the 90 plus weather.
POS Dan in retalliation to the photo ban in this room snapped a photo not of the
tanks, but of the sign prohibiting you from photographing the tanks.
After a short bus ride, a stroll through some stables, and some DVDs
explaining 4 stages of beer manufacturing and the Bud Empire, it was time to line up in the
tasting room for free glasses of beer.
Tone516 was selected as an audience participant to
decipher the taste of skunked beer vs regular beer and told the audience he was 'Frank from
New Jersey.' All three audience members failed the taste test and then someone bumped
into Jesse and he spilled his pint all over the floor. Nobody cleaned it up and the girl
from behind the counter had to do it as Midget Mike urged us all to try the 'World
Select' because it tasted just like Heineken.
The factory store made lots of money that afternoon and Rose called a
cab for us to get back to the Marriot for the 2.15 start of the game. We ended stealing
someone elses minivan cab and I asked Saad the arab driver to drive down Arsenal St for a photo op, he said he didn't know where it was.
Before we knew it, Busch Stadium was in sight and the gameday
crowds were assembling around the White Castles and TGI Fridays in the area as well as the Red
water in the fountains spraying in what we dubbed 'CrackHead Park in St.
Louis'..called such due to the derelicts who hung out there.
Spare tickets at this point were everywhere and the scalpers couldnt
even give these things away with a .99 chicken nugget at Wendys across the street. It's a good
thing as I later had to procure a spare off of Kwik to go back to the hotel during the
4th inning to take a shit and re-enter the stadium. Had the demand been higher, I would have
been out of luck.
This was another beastly hot day but a decent Yankee outing and a 5-0
win for Johnson. Much of the day was spent in the SRO section and a stripper from East St.
Louis came to hang out with Tone. She would later ask him for $300 in exchange for sex. He did
buy her a $6 cherry squishy slush and Larry instructed him to keep the plastic tube it came
in so he could make a bong out of it. I wasnt clear on if that happened but I don't think
Larry ended up leaving with it.
After the game, we hit the jacuzzi. This, friends and family would
prove to be one of the highlights and most talked about moments of the trip starring none
other than Navy Tommy. Midget Mike, Pops, Donald, Sam, and I all drank beers in the Jacuzzi as
regular civilians went about their normal vacation plans. Ryan and Jamie even stopped in
and sat poolside enjoying the humidity of a glassed in pool with drunk hooligans having free
reign on it Post-game.
Tommy got out of the jacuzzi, trotted quietly along the lefthand
pooldeck and laid a thundering tackle on a large body mass under the surface of the pool.
It surely was someone we knew, as we'd taken over the pool area and the families were
straying out. From under the surface, a gray haired man came with his suit pulled to the nape of
his neck and a tattooed Navy Tommy clenching his teeth behind it looking for a scuffle
from who he thought was Lumpy Sam.
"Oh sorry, I was looking for Sam" he said..."Oh, well I'm dave" said
the man as his family looked on in horror and bewilderment. The sincerest of apologies was
issued and the man went on with his business and playing with his kids in water wings. It
was time to leave and go to Carmines.
Renegade dinner had been cancelled as Tone and Sam fell asleep after
the game/jacuzzi. So I went to the steak dinner that Kwik had organized. Larry and his boy
Jimmy tore through the restaurant into the back room about 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses
and still dressed from the game and Larry kept saying he needed to find the Mens room b/c
he needed to 'take a log.' Nobody found out who sharted their pants several times at
dinner but I think I have my suspicions. This was also the place where most everyone found out
the news about what Navy Tommy did in the pool to a stranger.
At dinner we ended up singing happy birthday to that redhead guy who
sits down in the front but nobody knew his name and it all went pear shaped after that when we
got to that point of the song.
Midget Mike also gave the server an earfull about having olive oil and
crushed red pepper for the bread. This was at the other side of the table, so i didnt
catch much of it. I did however keep smelling those horrific farts that Larry, Jimmy, and Teddy
kept blaming on Pops.
Navy Tommy got free drinks as he was in uniform. I think we ended up back at Club Buca that night and the roadtrippers were there and Ray was whistling. And Dancing. MIchele Beadle was dancing around like
sporty spice after shoving a hit of ecstasy up her ass and of course, Navy Tommy was
getting free drinks right and left as he was in uniform.
Morgan Street Ale House followed. I saw someone get punched in the face
upstairs and bleed all over the floor as I left the bathroom.
Navy Tommy got more free drinks. We later saw that assault victim in a
cab and he barked omething in Kwik's direction sans several teeth.
There was a shitload of hot women in this bar as well as all around the
landing that night. Perhaps the best I'd seen all weekend.
After a walk home where Tommy flagged down a truck full of black chicks
and stuck his head in the car in an attempt to get some black tail back to the hotel and
several attempts by Midget Mike to go smoke under the Arch and bug out, we went to Vinny's
room at Drury Plaza to drink day old Budweiser that he had got at the brewery.
SUNDAY -
As the scalpers seemed to have more tickets floating about today, we
seemed to think it would be a good idea to head down to the box seats and chill out since
it was the final day of the series, and several people had to leave early for flights home.
As hot as it was everywhere else in that stadium, it was worse there and we actually saw
a shirtless human that was so red, that he resembled the Red Fred Cardinal mascot himself.
I stole Kwiks joke and asked a water guy if he had any diet and then called a stadium usher stupid when he didnt come over immediately and take photos of us after I had asked him to.
After the Yanks blew the game, we retired to Pitchers in the lobby. An
older man who was shorter than midget mike asked me "when are you guys going to wake up"
and I told him that i wasnt really sure what the fuck he was talking about b/c I was awake
at the moment. Then Midget Mike informed him that he only came to have a beer and not fight
with stupid Cardinal fans and that he should shut up.. So we walk outside only to
find out later that they had for whatever reason called Mike, "sassy."
We then went back in and got loaded with some 40 yr old whores from
Wisconsin who bought us drinks. They were there on business and claim to have been to New York
once. I think they got scared when Suzy came down to hang out and they bought her drinks
too.
While some went to explore the 'attractions' in East St. Louis, the
rest of us left the middle aged whores in the bar to get dinner at lacledes landing, the
place I swore i'd never go back to. When we couldnt find anywhere to eat, we asked some
bouncer who looked like Nelly (it's common down there) where to go and he said the Old Spaghetti Factory, an italian eatery.
The place must have closed at 10:30 and we arrived at 10, about 8 people deep so
they werent please in the slightest. After ordering 2 orders of cheese bread, Larry and I came to the conclusion that there was one toaster in the whole restaurant as one came out 30 min later than the other. The rest of the food would be out in 30 min intervals. He also wanted to eat in the decorative trolley car and was highly disappointed with our table.
This place sucked. The ravioli was equivalent to chef boyardee, they
ran out of Vinny's lasagna, and the chicken was inedible. After many loud outbursts from our table and personal insults were directed at the waitstaff, we were told that there was no smoking in the bar area. When we moved the smoke break outside and put a seat in front of the door, the manager kicked the chair out of the way, locking us out and leaving Mike and Vinny downstairs with something called a turtle pie and several dishes of spumomi as well as the bill.
Fuck that restaurant. They sucked and so did their food. What kind of shit is that? It looked like the house from the Munsters anyhow.
Mike, Larry, and Brownie took off to meet the rest in East St.Louis where there was certain to be a nose shoved up someones crack for a few dollars. The rest of us went back to Vinny's room to drink the rest of the Budweiser and smoke some butts.
Once back in our hotel, Midget Mike claimed that the trip to Platinum 'made his whole trip' and that the entertainment people there were cool as shit. One even offered him ecstasy tablets and told him that she wanted to stay out all night in a club with him. I guess he declined due to his early flight the next day to NY (which he missed) and also the fact that he was already back in the hotel .Kwik disappeared....till the next day.
MONDAY -
Kwik reappeared as Brownie was going back to Lambert Airport and Midget Mike decided to skip his flight and try to get on the later one, concocting a fake story that the taxi he was in rear-ended a car on the expressway and the cops wouldnt let him leave b/c he was a key witness.
After breakfast, the three of us declined a ride to the airport from larry and jimmy due to the fact that there was a possibility that they had no car since they left it at carmines steak house on Saturday and that it was towed away.
On the metro, we ended up riding back for $1.75 as opposed to $3 a few days earlier. Another mystery. Some asshole on the train yelled something about the Yankees but he was wearing a fast food uniform and looked like he inhaled a whole crate of whip-its on the platform before he got on..so it didnt really matter, I suppose.
In the airport, the security guard sang "2 out of 3" aint bad to myself andf Kwik at 2 separate times. I guess he decided to sing to kwik after he sent me all the way back to the luggage check area for carrying a souvenir Busch Stadium bat on the plane.
Once through security, I bought a magnet that said "St. Louis, the home run city" and some black chick who worked there told me she liked the way I said, "a bottle of water"..
Little did we know that the kind airport staff seated us in first class to get our connection in Memphis and I got to talk to a hot divorced mom of two who likes to go to cancun and worked for the airline. She was fucking hot. I swear, that was one thing this city didn't have a lack of...hot chicks.
Memphis sucked. I got a pulled pork sandwich from Corky's Airport BBQ, took a photo of kwik sleeping on a bench, and was accosted by the only 3 chinese people in Tennessee to listen to the new ring tones on their phone.
Please, take me back to Queens.
-GOONER
After an evening of softball practice in Central park and an agonizing
last gasp defeat, I went home back to Queens on the subway with Larry and Christina to
finish packing my bag for the long weekend and to watch the end of the Yanks vs Brewers game
in MIlwaukee.
Kwik called and said he was going out to Long Island to drop off George
Herman and then would be coming back to Astoria to crash at my house as there is Dunkin Donuts
on my street and it's rather close to LaGuardia.
When he said that he'd be back around 11, I knew the phone
wouldn't ring until after midnight. Sure enough Four One's Car Service
drops Kwik off at 1:40 am Thurs at my door.
We went outside to drink a beer and I gave my him last PBR and I
cracked open one of my new microbrews from my club. I ended up dumping it in the bushes b/c it
tasted like asparagus rat piss and drank half of his PBR...
After 3 or 4 hours of sleep, 104.3 on the radio was set for 5:45 am and
kwik's "Halloween" ring tone followed shortly after. It was time to sit on a broken
refridgerator outside my apartment to smoke a cigarette, take in the smells of Tierras
Colombianas dumpsters in the AM, have a cup of coffee, and call The New Ecuadorian Car Service to take us to Laguardia for some beer and some baseball.
After a smooth flight on Northwestern, and a connection in Minneapolis,
I upped my state counter on bathrooms that I've taken a shit in all over the world soon
after I ate a Whopper at the airport Burger King...That Burger King would later
provide for a dash to the loo in St. Louis as well. Check...Check...
Once that was handled, a rather large circle around the Airport was
made until the Metrolink station could be found and I remarked that 'this place just
looks like AIRPORT, USA'....Kwik retorted..."yeah, and that would be in Anytown, USA'.
After wasting $4 to have a wonka-like golden ticket not collected by
any sort of transit authority on the metrolink (same ticket would cost 1.75 on monday for
some odd reason) and a quick ride where everyone that got on was wearing a fast food uniform
or a du-rag, we exited at "STADIUM" to hopefully find that just, a Marriot, and some
beer at the PITCHERS sports bar in the lobby.
We quickly noticed a trend in St. Louis. There were lots of people that
looked like Terrance from Burns Security and a tally quickly began to form. It was later abandoned as they
counts seemed to be getting too high.
After bumming around there in the sluggish heat, we went to four-tiered
empty shopping mall that consisted of only a Sbarros, a Walgreens, and a Famous Barr
department store where I bought pool shorts in the Arsenal colors and Kwik purchased some short
sets, a hawaiian shirt that he proclaimed he would 'actually wear in the outside world' , and a
pair of white sneakers b/c he left his at home.
We also stopped at a grocery store which we instantly called 'bodega'.
Some guy who slept in a barn and smelled like bison shit told Kwik to buy 'Camo 24 lager'
at 8.5 % alcohol and went on to explain the fine points and technicalities between that and
it's sister beverage, CAMO 24 SILVER . Not only did we get that, but other beers
purchased were Stag Lager and Ojos Malos Ale. I picked up a 12 of BUD just in case the
taste test didnt work out...In fact it never happened.
The pool back at the hotel much to our chagrin was taken over by 6 or
so travelling Yankee fans drinking Bud Light and getting reprimanded by the drealocked pool
staff. Either someone had better take out a deck of cards or this pool area looks
like a gay bathhouse.
By this point there were rumors filtering out of NY that we had both run into Nelly in St. Louis and that we were going to his concert that night. Also, there was another rumor started by THEDEVER that I had been with a woman who's genitalia resembled a heap of roast beef. None of which were true and I was sorry to spoil TONE516's party with the bad news.
On that note, it was time to meet up with Ryan and the Lovely Jamie at
The Trainwreck Tavern at St. Louis' premier boozing section of town, Lacledes Landing.
After dinner and a dousing rain and hearing their stories about their road
trip through Indiana and an armless woman in a gas station, we met Vinny at the Hooters
Rip-off joint, "Show-Me's", to grab more beers and play pornographic foto-hunt on the
megatouch machine. Club Buca would follow which sucked on Thursdays, except for the fact that we saw a Grover-esque Missourian complete with walk.
D-Train Dave from the Roadtrip chimes in with a text on Vinny's
batphone to go to the Big Bang piano bar. It wasnt long before we had slurped down quite a few
shots of JD and some fresh budwesier and had Michele Beadle and Christa dancing to
Havah-Negilah. The pianist proclaimed that he only did it to see the 'jews go wild'. Ray also kept whistling above the music.
They soon closed the doors and it was back to the Marriot for a close
to a largely strangeday in Anytown, USA.
FRIDAY -
"Brownstone 39" flashed on the Motorola as I arose from the bed at
around 9:30 am and after informing him of the Metrolink, he was there in no time...except me,
kwik, and Rose who had just arrived were already at the Gateway Arch riding in an elevator pod
with two Koreans who I introduced myself to and everyone else followed in suit. Odd
enough was the fact that Kwik had just remarked in the waiting area that there were too many
gooks there already.
Holy shit it was hot that day. My hangover from the Big Bang Piano Bar
and my lack of shower were both doing me no favors as we struggled to take some photos
under this bizarre structure. I just ended up lying in the grass wondering 2 things: why
the fuck this thing was ever built and where the hell was TONE516?.. because I needed to
get back on the drink.
We had breakfast with him a few hours ago and now he was MIA, probably
sleeping b/c he went to Caprice in Astoria the night before to listen to speed metal and
drink, then straight to LGA. So we walked back to Pitchers to meet Brownie and Suzy. They had
just arrrived in from Phildelphia and we wanted to squash any idea that Brownie was pissed off that we didnt wait for him b/c kwik was in 'controlling vacation mode' as Rose called it and wanted to sightsee before too many gooks showed up.
Back in the room, we kicked off the opening night festivities in which
everyone showed up while I was in the shower and immediately bugged out at our newly
purchased Hip Hop pimp education snack chips and Camo24 selections. Tone516 finally showed up
with Navy Tommy and Lumpy Sam, Vinny with Rose, and CT Jesse with what seemed to be Uptown
Mike, Midget Mike,Dan APOS, Ryan161, Jamie, RookieKevin and Mrs.RookieKevin.
We were packed to the gills with people and would soon be in the
stadium drinking $9 beers and peeling Navy Tommy off of Michele Beadle who was buying him beers
and not me after she promised a next round to all..perhaps she should have checked his ID. I
think she only bought him a beer b/c he lied and told her that 'Ultimate Road Trip" is
shown on some military station and that they all watch the show on the USS Iwo-Jima.
He surely buttered her up with that statement as she not only believed it, he had a fresh
beer in hand and her phone number.
The fans at Busch Stadium weren't too bad, except for us as there were
quite a few midwesterners who got upset at Jim Edmonds being a horses ass. Bernie
also waved at us but I dont think he knew which direction to wave in as he just gave a wave
of the hand over the shoulder and we were way up in the SRO by the World Series flags.
Shit game overall. I don't even remember the score but I know we scored a single run.
I don't really remember all of what happened directly after the game
either except that I somehow ended up with Ryan and Jamie and a full $9 beer out on the
sidewalk. Sitting on a construction barrier we must have talked about all sorts of things as
their sober minds must have wondered how i spilled brew all over my #4 train shirt and where they could deposit me and go on with their night..
I must have walked across the street and seen kwik sqwawking into his
phone and smoking Parliaments in and amongst the red-clad homwtown fans b/c before I knew
it, Lumpy Sam tried to drag me into a minivan with him, Tone516, Tommy, and Jesse to go to
East St. Louis but I didn't go . ]
Later on, I was in the lobby with midget mike and kwik when they
came back with 2 women in tow, one of which ^%&^*^* said was his wife for
the evening and that they would be getting a divorce come daylight. We were later to
find out that they were just drug slut monster whores looking for handouts, a hit, and
some beer. I don't know if they got anything to be honest.
I do know that Navy Tommy took his dick out in the club during a lap
dance and was then ejected.
SATURDAY -
As we anxiously awaited results from Tone and %^$#@'s conquest me,
kwik, and brownie looked for a place to eat breakfast as nobody served a plain and simple egg
sandwich. They only had bacon by the pound and passion fruit bagels. Perhaps this explained
the bulging waistlines in midwest metropolis. I did remark that in a town as backwards as
this that they did have Grover's favorite Czechvar Ale in one of the stops.
Since the diner was shut and only open on weekdays, we ended up back at the St. Louis Bread Co and I had a spinach and egg pie and a coke. Meanwhile, back in the lobby, heads were beginnging to assemble for a trip to the Bud facility to take a tour.
As we all jumped in 3 minivan cabs, Brownstone was left on the
curb carless so he forcefully pushed his way into the third and POS Dan
was entirely leftright across the street as we had left him behind in out haste to drink cold
beer in the tap rooms and see the legendary clydesdales. Finally, Dan arrived as his cab
went down believe it or not Arsenal Street and dropped him off at the tour site with us.
As we strolled through the Beechwood Aging wing of the plant, photos
were strictly banned.
It was freezing in there and a nice relief from the 90 plus weather.
POS Dan in retalliation to the photo ban in this room snapped a photo not of the
tanks, but of the sign prohibiting you from photographing the tanks.
After a short bus ride, a stroll through some stables, and some DVDs
explaining 4 stages of beer manufacturing and the Bud Empire, it was time to line up in the
tasting room for free glasses of beer.
Tone516 was selected as an audience participant to
decipher the taste of skunked beer vs regular beer and told the audience he was 'Frank from
New Jersey.' All three audience members failed the taste test and then someone bumped
into Jesse and he spilled his pint all over the floor. Nobody cleaned it up and the girl
from behind the counter had to do it as Midget Mike urged us all to try the 'World
Select' because it tasted just like Heineken.
The factory store made lots of money that afternoon and Rose called a
cab for us to get back to the Marriot for the 2.15 start of the game. We ended stealing
someone elses minivan cab and I asked Saad the arab driver to drive down Arsenal St for a photo op, he said he didn't know where it was.
Before we knew it, Busch Stadium was in sight and the gameday
crowds were assembling around the White Castles and TGI Fridays in the area as well as the Red
water in the fountains spraying in what we dubbed 'CrackHead Park in St.
Louis'..called such due to the derelicts who hung out there.
Spare tickets at this point were everywhere and the scalpers couldnt
even give these things away with a .99 chicken nugget at Wendys across the street. It's a good
thing as I later had to procure a spare off of Kwik to go back to the hotel during the
4th inning to take a shit and re-enter the stadium. Had the demand been higher, I would have
been out of luck.
This was another beastly hot day but a decent Yankee outing and a 5-0
win for Johnson. Much of the day was spent in the SRO section and a stripper from East St.
Louis came to hang out with Tone. She would later ask him for $300 in exchange for sex. He did
buy her a $6 cherry squishy slush and Larry instructed him to keep the plastic tube it came
in so he could make a bong out of it. I wasnt clear on if that happened but I don't think
Larry ended up leaving with it.
After the game, we hit the jacuzzi. This, friends and family would
prove to be one of the highlights and most talked about moments of the trip starring none
other than Navy Tommy. Midget Mike, Pops, Donald, Sam, and I all drank beers in the Jacuzzi as
regular civilians went about their normal vacation plans. Ryan and Jamie even stopped in
and sat poolside enjoying the humidity of a glassed in pool with drunk hooligans having free
reign on it Post-game.
Tommy got out of the jacuzzi, trotted quietly along the lefthand
pooldeck and laid a thundering tackle on a large body mass under the surface of the pool.
It surely was someone we knew, as we'd taken over the pool area and the families were
straying out. From under the surface, a gray haired man came with his suit pulled to the nape of
his neck and a tattooed Navy Tommy clenching his teeth behind it looking for a scuffle
from who he thought was Lumpy Sam.
"Oh sorry, I was looking for Sam" he said..."Oh, well I'm dave" said
the man as his family looked on in horror and bewilderment. The sincerest of apologies was
issued and the man went on with his business and playing with his kids in water wings. It
was time to leave and go to Carmines.
Renegade dinner had been cancelled as Tone and Sam fell asleep after
the game/jacuzzi. So I went to the steak dinner that Kwik had organized. Larry and his boy
Jimmy tore through the restaurant into the back room about 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses
and still dressed from the game and Larry kept saying he needed to find the Mens room b/c
he needed to 'take a log.' Nobody found out who sharted their pants several times at
dinner but I think I have my suspicions. This was also the place where most everyone found out
the news about what Navy Tommy did in the pool to a stranger.
At dinner we ended up singing happy birthday to that redhead guy who
sits down in the front but nobody knew his name and it all went pear shaped after that when we
got to that point of the song.
Midget Mike also gave the server an earfull about having olive oil and
crushed red pepper for the bread. This was at the other side of the table, so i didnt
catch much of it. I did however keep smelling those horrific farts that Larry, Jimmy, and Teddy
kept blaming on Pops.
Navy Tommy got free drinks as he was in uniform. I think we ended up back at Club Buca that night and the roadtrippers were there and Ray was whistling. And Dancing. MIchele Beadle was dancing around like
sporty spice after shoving a hit of ecstasy up her ass and of course, Navy Tommy was
getting free drinks right and left as he was in uniform.
Morgan Street Ale House followed. I saw someone get punched in the face
upstairs and bleed all over the floor as I left the bathroom.
Navy Tommy got more free drinks. We later saw that assault victim in a
cab and he barked omething in Kwik's direction sans several teeth.
There was a shitload of hot women in this bar as well as all around the
landing that night. Perhaps the best I'd seen all weekend.
After a walk home where Tommy flagged down a truck full of black chicks
and stuck his head in the car in an attempt to get some black tail back to the hotel and
several attempts by Midget Mike to go smoke under the Arch and bug out, we went to Vinny's
room at Drury Plaza to drink day old Budweiser that he had got at the brewery.
SUNDAY -
As the scalpers seemed to have more tickets floating about today, we
seemed to think it would be a good idea to head down to the box seats and chill out since
it was the final day of the series, and several people had to leave early for flights home.
As hot as it was everywhere else in that stadium, it was worse there and we actually saw
a shirtless human that was so red, that he resembled the Red Fred Cardinal mascot himself.
I stole Kwiks joke and asked a water guy if he had any diet and then called a stadium usher stupid when he didnt come over immediately and take photos of us after I had asked him to.
After the Yanks blew the game, we retired to Pitchers in the lobby. An
older man who was shorter than midget mike asked me "when are you guys going to wake up"
and I told him that i wasnt really sure what the fuck he was talking about b/c I was awake
at the moment. Then Midget Mike informed him that he only came to have a beer and not fight
with stupid Cardinal fans and that he should shut up.. So we walk outside only to
find out later that they had for whatever reason called Mike, "sassy."
We then went back in and got loaded with some 40 yr old whores from
Wisconsin who bought us drinks. They were there on business and claim to have been to New York
once. I think they got scared when Suzy came down to hang out and they bought her drinks
too.
While some went to explore the 'attractions' in East St. Louis, the
rest of us left the middle aged whores in the bar to get dinner at lacledes landing, the
place I swore i'd never go back to. When we couldnt find anywhere to eat, we asked some
bouncer who looked like Nelly (it's common down there) where to go and he said the Old Spaghetti Factory, an italian eatery.
The place must have closed at 10:30 and we arrived at 10, about 8 people deep so
they werent please in the slightest. After ordering 2 orders of cheese bread, Larry and I came to the conclusion that there was one toaster in the whole restaurant as one came out 30 min later than the other. The rest of the food would be out in 30 min intervals. He also wanted to eat in the decorative trolley car and was highly disappointed with our table.
This place sucked. The ravioli was equivalent to chef boyardee, they
ran out of Vinny's lasagna, and the chicken was inedible. After many loud outbursts from our table and personal insults were directed at the waitstaff, we were told that there was no smoking in the bar area. When we moved the smoke break outside and put a seat in front of the door, the manager kicked the chair out of the way, locking us out and leaving Mike and Vinny downstairs with something called a turtle pie and several dishes of spumomi as well as the bill.
Fuck that restaurant. They sucked and so did their food. What kind of shit is that? It looked like the house from the Munsters anyhow.
Mike, Larry, and Brownie took off to meet the rest in East St.Louis where there was certain to be a nose shoved up someones crack for a few dollars. The rest of us went back to Vinny's room to drink the rest of the Budweiser and smoke some butts.
Once back in our hotel, Midget Mike claimed that the trip to Platinum 'made his whole trip' and that the entertainment people there were cool as shit. One even offered him ecstasy tablets and told him that she wanted to stay out all night in a club with him. I guess he declined due to his early flight the next day to NY (which he missed) and also the fact that he was already back in the hotel .Kwik disappeared....till the next day.
MONDAY -
Kwik reappeared as Brownie was going back to Lambert Airport and Midget Mike decided to skip his flight and try to get on the later one, concocting a fake story that the taxi he was in rear-ended a car on the expressway and the cops wouldnt let him leave b/c he was a key witness.
After breakfast, the three of us declined a ride to the airport from larry and jimmy due to the fact that there was a possibility that they had no car since they left it at carmines steak house on Saturday and that it was towed away.
On the metro, we ended up riding back for $1.75 as opposed to $3 a few days earlier. Another mystery. Some asshole on the train yelled something about the Yankees but he was wearing a fast food uniform and looked like he inhaled a whole crate of whip-its on the platform before he got on..so it didnt really matter, I suppose.
In the airport, the security guard sang "2 out of 3" aint bad to myself andf Kwik at 2 separate times. I guess he decided to sing to kwik after he sent me all the way back to the luggage check area for carrying a souvenir Busch Stadium bat on the plane.
Once through security, I bought a magnet that said "St. Louis, the home run city" and some black chick who worked there told me she liked the way I said, "a bottle of water"..
Little did we know that the kind airport staff seated us in first class to get our connection in Memphis and I got to talk to a hot divorced mom of two who likes to go to cancun and worked for the airline. She was fucking hot. I swear, that was one thing this city didn't have a lack of...hot chicks.
Memphis sucked. I got a pulled pork sandwich from Corky's Airport BBQ, took a photo of kwik sleeping on a bench, and was accosted by the only 3 chinese people in Tennessee to listen to the new ring tones on their phone.
Please, take me back to Queens.
-GOONER