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Jokes
Aug 25, 2006 17:18:48 GMT -5
Post by Chris on Aug 25, 2006 17:18:48 GMT -5
(any "IT" people out there)
A software consultant is vacationing in Ireland. He's driving his rental car through the rolling green hills and comes across a sheep herder crossing the road with his sheep. He gets out of the car, and asks the sheep herder, "If I can guess how many sheep are in your herd, can I have one?"
The sheep herder, amused, thinking he has nothing to lose, replies "sure" all the while assuming there's no way the stranger can guess the exact number of sheep.
Suddenly the software consultant pulls out his PDA, enters some data, uplinks to a satellite which zeroes in on the appropriate coordinates, takes a picture of the heard, and using Optical Recognition Software, counts the number of sheep, and sends the result back to the PDA. The consultant exclaims, "You have 286 sheep in this herd."
Shocked, the sheep herder reluctantly confirms the answer, and hands an animal over to the stranger.
As the stranger begins to load the animal into his car, the sheep herder asks, "Just one thing. How about a double or nothing bet? If I can guess your occupation, you give me my animal back?"
Assured that this lowly sheep herder will have no clue what he does for a living, the consultant says, "Sure, why not."
The sheep herder, confidently says, "You're a consultant!"
Shocked, the consultant confirms, "YES....how on earth did you know?"
The sheep herder replies, "Hmmmmm....let's see.....you showed up unexpectedly and uninvited....solved a problem that no one asked you to....and used way too much technology to do it.....now give me back my dog, @sshole!"
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Jokes
Aug 30, 2006 10:29:45 GMT -5
Post by dbranch on Aug 30, 2006 10:29:45 GMT -5
what's the useless skin around the penis...
the man.
I heard someone introduce his wife as "This is Laura, my vagina's life support."
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$heriff Tom
Administrator
Groom ba ya ya ya
Posts: 16,173
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Jokes
Aug 30, 2006 10:32:16 GMT -5
Post by $heriff Tom on Aug 30, 2006 10:32:16 GMT -5
What kind of a bee cant keep a hold of anything?
A - a fumble bee
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gijane
Junior Member
Posts: 89
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Jokes
Aug 31, 2006 10:47:34 GMT -5
Post by gijane on Aug 31, 2006 10:47:34 GMT -5
Yo momma so stupid, she studied for a drug test
Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money
Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people say, "Taxi!"
Yo Momma so poor I walked into your house and 3 roaches tripped me & tried to take my wallet
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Jokes
Aug 31, 2006 11:03:44 GMT -5
Post by 9 on Aug 31, 2006 11:03:44 GMT -5
Yo momma so poor I saw her kicking a can down the street and said, "Bitch, whatchoo doing?" and she said, "Moving." (White Men Can't Jump)
Yo momma so fat she sat on a dollar and made change.
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Jokes
Aug 31, 2006 11:42:47 GMT -5
Post by Chris on Aug 31, 2006 11:42:47 GMT -5
HAHAHA - remember the Sweathog's Ranking Contests?
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Jokes
Sept 3, 2006 18:05:21 GMT -5
Post by crazilyz on Sept 3, 2006 18:05:21 GMT -5
Your mama's glasses are so think that when you look at a map, you can see people waving back.
Your mama's so fat that she sat on a quarter and squeezed a booger out of George Washington's nose.
Your mama's hair is so short that she rolls it with rice.
Your mama's so fat that when she wears red, people scream "hey Kool Aid!"
Your mama's so stupid that when she went to the flicks, she saw the MPAA sign that said "under 17 not admitted" and she went home to get 16 friends.
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Jokes
Sept 7, 2006 15:48:38 GMT -5
Post by BoxSeatsSuck on Sept 7, 2006 15:48:38 GMT -5
Your motha's so fat the bitch drives a spandex car
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Jokes
Sept 7, 2006 16:16:47 GMT -5
Post by Jackass on Sept 7, 2006 16:16:47 GMT -5
Yo momma's so fat she has to iron her pants in the drive way.
Yo momma's so poor she went to Mickey D's and asked for a large ketchup and a side order of salt.
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Jokes
Sept 7, 2006 23:12:30 GMT -5
Post by baldvinny on Sept 7, 2006 23:12:30 GMT -5
yo momma's so fat her blood type is ragu
so fat when she dances she makes the band skip
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MSBNYY
Administrator
El Guapo
Posts: 15,545
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Jokes
Sept 8, 2006 6:26:39 GMT -5
Post by MSBNYY on Sept 8, 2006 6:26:39 GMT -5
Your momma's so fat, her polo shirt has a real horse on it.
Your mother's like McDonald's, over 50 billion served.
Your mother's like a hardware store-- 5 cents a screw.
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$heriff Tom
Administrator
Groom ba ya ya ya
Posts: 16,173
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Jokes
Sept 8, 2006 7:14:55 GMT -5
Post by $heriff Tom on Sept 8, 2006 7:14:55 GMT -5
This is quickly becoming my least favorite thread on any board at any time.
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gijane
Junior Member
Posts: 89
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Jokes
Sept 8, 2006 8:23:44 GMT -5
Post by gijane on Sept 8, 2006 8:23:44 GMT -5
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman,so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, switch sides..."
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Jokes
Sept 8, 2006 14:45:01 GMT -5
Post by Chris on Sept 8, 2006 14:45:01 GMT -5
What's brown and fuzzy and comes in cubes?
Fidel Castro
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Jokes
Sept 11, 2006 9:19:52 GMT -5
Post by dbranch on Sept 11, 2006 9:19:52 GMT -5
Yo mamma's teeth are so yellow that when she closes her mouth her stomach lights up.
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Jokes
Sept 11, 2006 11:46:28 GMT -5
Post by BigAl115 on Sept 11, 2006 11:46:28 GMT -5
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".
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$heriff Tom
Administrator
Groom ba ya ya ya
Posts: 16,173
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Jokes
Sept 11, 2006 12:25:30 GMT -5
Post by $heriff Tom on Sept 11, 2006 12:25:30 GMT -5
A guy walks into a bar with a long slate of asphalt on his shoulder.
So he says, "Two beers please, one for me, and one for the road."
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Jokes
Sept 11, 2006 12:32:13 GMT -5
Post by Chris on Sept 11, 2006 12:32:13 GMT -5
What's the one thing you'll never hear a redneck say?
"Duct Tape can't fix that."
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Jokes
Sept 11, 2006 12:41:04 GMT -5
Post by dbranch on Sept 11, 2006 12:41:04 GMT -5
What are the last words of a dead redneck?
Hold my beer and watch this.
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Jokes
Sept 11, 2006 12:46:40 GMT -5
Post by Chris on Sept 11, 2006 12:46:40 GMT -5
(disclaimer - this IS tasteless)
What do 10,000 battered woman all have in common?
THEY DON'T LISTEN!
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Jokes
Sept 11, 2006 13:32:16 GMT -5
Post by BigAl115 on Sept 11, 2006 13:32:16 GMT -5
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
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Jokes
Sept 13, 2006 12:37:39 GMT -5
Post by Chrissy on Sept 13, 2006 12:37:39 GMT -5
This is LAST joke I heard, right? Not best...here goes: There will only be 49 contestants in the Miss Black America Contest this year because no one wants to wear the banner that says, IDAHO
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Jokes
Sept 13, 2006 12:42:46 GMT -5
Post by Chris on Sept 13, 2006 12:42:46 GMT -5
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where's the bartender?"
(I actually hear that everyday...it's someone's email sig that I work with)
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Jokes
Sept 13, 2006 12:46:49 GMT -5
Post by 9 on Sept 13, 2006 12:46:49 GMT -5
Because abusing France never goes out of style:
The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the recent subway bombings in London that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
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Jokes
Sept 13, 2006 14:04:59 GMT -5
Post by Chrissy on Sept 13, 2006 14:04:59 GMT -5
Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a woman sitting by herself: Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?" Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they open!"
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$heriff Tom
Administrator
Groom ba ya ya ya
Posts: 16,173
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Jokes
Sept 13, 2006 14:09:17 GMT -5
Post by $heriff Tom on Sept 13, 2006 14:09:17 GMT -5
A bowl of potato salad walks into a bar and the bartender says, "sorry, we dont serve food here."
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MSBNYY
Administrator
El Guapo
Posts: 15,545
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Jokes
Sept 13, 2006 14:20:07 GMT -5
Post by MSBNYY on Sept 13, 2006 14:20:07 GMT -5
A horse walks into the bar, and the bartender says, "why the long face?"
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Jokes
Sept 13, 2006 14:21:07 GMT -5
Post by Chrissy on Sept 13, 2006 14:21:07 GMT -5
A mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says we don't serve food here, and the mushroom says, "But I'm a funghai!" Get it? LMAO, he's a FUN-GUY! Hahahahahaha...cracks me up every time.
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Jokes
Sept 13, 2006 14:23:15 GMT -5
Post by baldvinny on Sept 13, 2006 14:23:15 GMT -5
a bear walks into a bar and says:
"i'll have a jack......................................................................................................and coke"
the bartender looks at the bear and says "ok, but why the pause?"
the bear raises his arms and says "i don't know, i was born with them"
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Jokes
Sept 13, 2006 14:46:38 GMT -5
Post by BigAl115 on Sept 13, 2006 14:46:38 GMT -5
Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
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