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Jokes
Sept 15, 2006 8:49:12 GMT -5
Post by Chrissy on Sept 15, 2006 8:49:12 GMT -5
Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know... ''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''
The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... ''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know... ''Rich, Urban, Biker. "
The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know... ''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''
They turn to the woman and ask her. ''What are you?''
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.
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MSBNYY
Administrator
El Guapo
Posts: 15,545
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Jokes
Sept 15, 2006 20:53:29 GMT -5
Post by MSBNYY on Sept 15, 2006 20:53:29 GMT -5
What do you need to get a Beatles reunion?
Two bullets.
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$heriff Tom
Administrator
Groom ba ya ya ya
Posts: 16,173
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Jokes
Sept 15, 2006 20:56:00 GMT -5
Post by $heriff Tom on Sept 15, 2006 20:56:00 GMT -5
Why cant you go to the bathroom at a Beatles concert?
A - there's no John
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Jokes
Sept 17, 2006 17:06:22 GMT -5
Post by crazilyz on Sept 17, 2006 17:06:22 GMT -5
Why was the homosexual disappointed when he went to London?
A - He found out that Big Ben was a clock.
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$heriff Tom
Administrator
Groom ba ya ya ya
Posts: 16,173
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Jokes
Sept 18, 2006 7:32:02 GMT -5
Post by $heriff Tom on Sept 18, 2006 7:32:02 GMT -5
What did the golf bag eat for lunch?
A - a sand wedge
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Jokes
Sept 21, 2006 10:41:55 GMT -5
Post by Chrissy on Sept 21, 2006 10:41:55 GMT -5
How come there are no "Wangs" and "Wongs" in the phone book?
A ~ Because they don't want you to wang the wong number.
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Jokes
Sept 21, 2006 11:00:30 GMT -5
Post by BigAl115 on Sept 21, 2006 11:00:30 GMT -5
it sounded funnier last night
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Jokes
Sept 21, 2006 11:25:54 GMT -5
Post by Chrissy on Sept 21, 2006 11:25:54 GMT -5
it sounded funnier last night Well, that was after 11 cocktails. Should I share the joke I made up?
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MSBNYY
Administrator
El Guapo
Posts: 15,545
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Jokes
Sept 27, 2006 11:40:46 GMT -5
Post by MSBNYY on Sept 27, 2006 11:40:46 GMT -5
Yo momma's so fat, she puts mayonaise on her aspirin.
Yo momma's so fat, her Nikes say Nickelodeon.
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Jokes
Oct 3, 2006 12:42:43 GMT -5
Post by Chris on Oct 3, 2006 12:42:43 GMT -5
(This is the joke, if you want to call it that, as forwarded to me in it's entirety. In no way should this joke be construed as a negative comment on Italian Americans...and....Due to my strong personal convictions, I wish to stress that this film in no way endorses a belief in the occult.)
The Tomato Garden
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
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$heriff Tom
Administrator
Groom ba ya ya ya
Posts: 16,173
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Jokes
Oct 4, 2006 11:36:58 GMT -5
Post by $heriff Tom on Oct 4, 2006 11:36:58 GMT -5
What does Snoop use to do his laundry?
A - blee-atch
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Jokes
Oct 4, 2006 12:45:32 GMT -5
Post by Jason Giambi on Oct 4, 2006 12:45:32 GMT -5
Good one Cho.
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2006 18:27:40 GMT -5
Post by cactusjames on Oct 6, 2006 18:27:40 GMT -5
A man sat in a bar crying over his beer.. "What's wrong?" the barkeep asked. "My mother-in-law," the man replied. "I have a real problem with her." "Cheer up," the barkeep said. "Everyone has problems with his mother-in-law." "Yeah," the man replied, "but I got mine pregnant."
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Jokes
Oct 17, 2006 8:57:47 GMT -5
Post by EEEAZY on Oct 17, 2006 8:57:47 GMT -5
MICKEY MOUSE AND MINNIE MOUSE ARE GETTING A DIVORCE. THE LAWYER MEETS WITH MICKEY AND ASKS HIM "WHY AFTER SO MANY YEARS U'VE DECIDED TO DIVORCE HER, ONLY BECAUSE SHES ACTING STUPID?". MICKEY SAYS TO THE LAWYER "I DIDN'T SAY SHE WAS ACTING STUPID.....I SAID SHE WAS FUCKING GOOFY."
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Jokes
Oct 20, 2006 9:37:27 GMT -5
Post by baldvinny on Oct 20, 2006 9:37:27 GMT -5
what do you call a dog with brass balls and no hind legs?
Sparky
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MSBNYY
Administrator
El Guapo
Posts: 15,545
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Jokes
Oct 20, 2006 9:52:35 GMT -5
Post by MSBNYY on Oct 20, 2006 9:52:35 GMT -5
The 2006 Mets.
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gijane
Junior Member
Posts: 89
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Jokes
Oct 20, 2006 10:11:18 GMT -5
Post by gijane on Oct 20, 2006 10:11:18 GMT -5
Chinese Sick Day
"I No Come Work Today!"
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel
great. I be work soon.....you got nice house."
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Jokes
Oct 31, 2006 14:22:36 GMT -5
Post by Chrissy on Oct 31, 2006 14:22:36 GMT -5
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER..
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket and,
The COFFIN STOPS.... ;D
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Jokes
Nov 1, 2006 11:48:42 GMT -5
Post by Chrissy on Nov 1, 2006 11:48:42 GMT -5
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the malarky and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
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Jokes
Nov 1, 2006 14:43:59 GMT -5
Post by Chris on Nov 1, 2006 14:43:59 GMT -5
You know what they say about blind prostitues........you've really gotta hand it to them.
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Jokes
Feb 7, 2007 10:42:49 GMT -5
Post by Jason Giambi on Feb 7, 2007 10:42:49 GMT -5
Union Rules
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered . Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a u nion house. We observe all union rules." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" < BR> "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her," he said. "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.
Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.
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Jokes
Feb 7, 2007 18:58:56 GMT -5
Post by dabadguy on Feb 7, 2007 18:58:56 GMT -5
3 guys are in a bar and they are talking about what they got thier wives for Christmas.
First guy says he got her a necklace and a bracelet. The other two say "why"?
So the guy said "I figured if she doesn't like the bracelet mabye she'll like the necklace".
The next said "I bought my wife boots and a purse". The other two asked "why"?
So the guy said " Hey if the boots don't fit, at least she has a purse."
The last guy said "I bought my wife a t-shirt and a dildo" The other two asked "why"?
So the guy said "If my wife doesn't like the shirt, she can go fuck herself".
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gijane
Junior Member
Posts: 89
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Jokes
Feb 9, 2007 9:26:58 GMT -5
Post by gijane on Feb 9, 2007 9:26:58 GMT -5
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
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Jokes
Feb 16, 2007 15:32:42 GMT -5
Post by elliejay21 on Feb 16, 2007 15:32:42 GMT -5
Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first midget, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second midget asks the first, "How did It go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."
The second midget shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."
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Jokes
Feb 18, 2007 18:18:34 GMT -5
Post by dabadguy on Feb 18, 2007 18:18:34 GMT -5
A guy is walking on the beach and comes across a lamp sticking out of the sand. He brushes it off and two blonde genies pop out. They told the man he has three wishes. When he wakes up the next morning, his wishes will be granted. So the man wakes up and he is surrounded by beutiful women and piles of money. He gets out of bed and he's tripping over money and women. He makes his way to the bathroom and there are two people in white hoods standing there. They take the man and escort him out to the backyard. They hung the man in the tree. As they walk away they took the hoods off and it's the blonde genies. One says to the other "I understand him wanting all the money and all women in the world, but why did he want to be hung like a black man?"
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$heriff Tom
Administrator
Groom ba ya ya ya
Posts: 16,173
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Jokes
Mar 13, 2007 21:12:55 GMT -5
Post by $heriff Tom on Mar 13, 2007 21:12:55 GMT -5
A pirate walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder, a pegleg, and a steering wheel on his pants.
The bartender says, "hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants" and the pirate says, "Arrrrrrrgh, its driving me nuts."
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Jokes
Mar 20, 2007 18:48:37 GMT -5
Post by dabadguy on Mar 20, 2007 18:48:37 GMT -5
Why can't blacks have dreams and only nightmares??
Because the last black man that had a dream was shot and killed.
Thanks to DUI James who called me today and told me that joke. I think it's fuckin' funny!!!!
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Jokes
Mar 21, 2007 9:37:00 GMT -5
Post by elliejay21 on Mar 21, 2007 9:37:00 GMT -5
Drunk logic
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
He said, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly. "
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$heriff Tom
Administrator
Groom ba ya ya ya
Posts: 16,173
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Jokes
Mar 21, 2007 10:03:28 GMT -5
Post by $heriff Tom on Mar 21, 2007 10:03:28 GMT -5
Thats a good one. Here's a not so good one.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? A - cause the ref was calling fowls.
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Jokes
Mar 21, 2007 10:11:47 GMT -5
Post by elliejay21 on Mar 21, 2007 10:11:47 GMT -5
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually doe s something!!!
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